After watching Trump treat the Constitution like a Wet Nap after a meal of an enormous juicy burger and fries swimming in ketchup, meaning covering it in slobber and pitching it towards the nearest dumpster, Republicans slept through his impeachment trial and are currently trying to stifle yawns while the Shitbird-in-Chief leans on the Justice Department to lay off his tools and launch investigations instead into anyone who has ever questioned the godlikeness of his powers, including Hunter Biden, Adam Schiff, and Judge Judy.
All this portends enormous changes to the American system of checks and balances, as any half or even fully baked pundit will tell you, and poses the question: Has the Republican Party decided to give the fifteen-flush treatment to representative democracy?
“Absolutely not,” said a member of the Republican National Steering Committee, who preferred to remain anonymous as he had just returned from a weekend with Donald Trump, Jr., which they had spent killing baby animals and inadvertently owning themselves on Twitter. “We expect to become stern, originalist defenders of the Constitution and provide an unflinching check on Presidential powers if the Democrats win.
“Currently, all of the leading contenders for the Democratic nomination are 78 years old. We’re content to let coronary artery disease winnow out the field, but we’re confident none of them can beat our guy because, you know, Fox. But a lot can happen between now and then. Those gosh darn tax returns could come out, revealing that Trump pays less income tax than your average cart wrangler at a Piggly Wiggly. The economy could crash like Kobe Bryant. Or the pee tape could finally get uploaded to Pornhub.
“in that case, we’d have a problem. Whatever Democrat is swept into office, though, we’d be ready to wrap ourselves in the Constitution and go to work sternly defending Americans from having health care and overtaxing billionaires. Look for Lindsey Graham to turn into a dignified lion of the Senate, instead of the gibbering, shit-tossing howler monkey he’s been for the last three years, solemnly raising grave Constitutional issues whenever America sways from the Republican path of cutting food stamps and loving Jesus.
“And we would insist that the Justice Department would return to stone-faced impartiality when it came to prosecuting criminals. If the new Attorney General started digging into the mulch pile of graft and perjury left over from Trump, and indicting everybody down to Melania and Barron, we would scream and cry like a kindergarten class locked in a dark room and forced to watch Saw III. ‘Prosecuting your political opponents,’ we’d wail. ‘That’s so banana republic! Stop dividing the country!’
“But most of all, the deficit. It becomes the Democratic deficit the second the new President lays his hand on that Bible. We’re ready to slip on our wetting panties right now. The Republican Party becomes stone-faced prophets of financial Apocalypse, insisting that we’ve doomed our children to a destitute future because of all the money we’ve spent on old, sick people by not cutting Medicare and Social Security, when actually we’ve doomed them by ignoring global warming like it was a fart we cut at a noisy party.
“Yeah, you might get rid of Trump. But you can count on us. We’re the Republicans. We ain’t changin’ nothing.”
All this portends enormous changes to the American system of checks and balances, as any half or even fully baked pundit will tell you, and poses the question: Has the Republican Party decided to give the fifteen-flush treatment to representative democracy?
“Absolutely not,” said a member of the Republican National Steering Committee, who preferred to remain anonymous as he had just returned from a weekend with Donald Trump, Jr., which they had spent killing baby animals and inadvertently owning themselves on Twitter. “We expect to become stern, originalist defenders of the Constitution and provide an unflinching check on Presidential powers if the Democrats win.
“Currently, all of the leading contenders for the Democratic nomination are 78 years old. We’re content to let coronary artery disease winnow out the field, but we’re confident none of them can beat our guy because, you know, Fox. But a lot can happen between now and then. Those gosh darn tax returns could come out, revealing that Trump pays less income tax than your average cart wrangler at a Piggly Wiggly. The economy could crash like Kobe Bryant. Or the pee tape could finally get uploaded to Pornhub.
“in that case, we’d have a problem. Whatever Democrat is swept into office, though, we’d be ready to wrap ourselves in the Constitution and go to work sternly defending Americans from having health care and overtaxing billionaires. Look for Lindsey Graham to turn into a dignified lion of the Senate, instead of the gibbering, shit-tossing howler monkey he’s been for the last three years, solemnly raising grave Constitutional issues whenever America sways from the Republican path of cutting food stamps and loving Jesus.
“And we would insist that the Justice Department would return to stone-faced impartiality when it came to prosecuting criminals. If the new Attorney General started digging into the mulch pile of graft and perjury left over from Trump, and indicting everybody down to Melania and Barron, we would scream and cry like a kindergarten class locked in a dark room and forced to watch Saw III. ‘Prosecuting your political opponents,’ we’d wail. ‘That’s so banana republic! Stop dividing the country!’
“But most of all, the deficit. It becomes the Democratic deficit the second the new President lays his hand on that Bible. We’re ready to slip on our wetting panties right now. The Republican Party becomes stone-faced prophets of financial Apocalypse, insisting that we’ve doomed our children to a destitute future because of all the money we’ve spent on old, sick people by not cutting Medicare and Social Security, when actually we’ve doomed them by ignoring global warming like it was a fart we cut at a noisy party.
“Yeah, you might get rid of Trump. But you can count on us. We’re the Republicans. We ain’t changin’ nothing.”
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