Imagine this: Right before the Republican convention in 2024, all the white men running for the Republican nomination are on the same airplane (except Trump, because he has his own airplane). Pence, Christie, DeSantis, Hutchinson, and some guy named Burgum coincidentally find themselves on the same flight, unaware that it is being piloted by a woke Communist-Muslim transgender suicide bomber. While they are flying over the golf course at Mar al Lago, the pilot, with a cry of “My body, my choice! I'm saying gay! And, oh yeah, Allah Akbar!” points the plane downward at a lone fat guy in a golf cart—Donald Trump. In a blinding flash of aviation fuel, every single white guy running for the GOP nomination is dead.
Not very likely, you sneer, to which I reply, “Stranger things have happened,” even though that’s obviously not true.
Republican party leaders panic, cursing themselves for not having an emergency white candidate. All the remaining Republicans running for President are people of color. Who will emerge from Milwaukee to challenge Biden? Here are the possibilities, ranked:
TIM SCOTT: You have to give the black Senator from South Carolina the pole position. “He’s like a young Clarence Thomas,” his fans gush. “Instead of just kissing billionaire white ass, though, he knows how to kiss trailer park white ass.” Does he beat Biden? Not by giving up 98% of the black vote to an ancient white man.
NIKKI HALEY: The other South Carolina person in the race. Born as Nimarata Nikki Randhawa, she changed her name so racists would vote for her, not realizing she was Indian. Does she beat Biden? Well, Barack Hussein Obama did, so maybe she shouldn’t have changed her name.
VIVEK RAMASWAMY: Also Indian, but unlike Haley, he did not change his name to Vince Ramsey, Victor Rangehorse, Van Riderpuppy, or any other Anglo-Saxon version of Vivek Ramaswamy, continuing to use his birthname even though it makes him sound like someone who spent the ‘80’s chanting “Hare Krishna” in a major airport. Whatever happened to those guys, anyway? The same thing that’s going to happen to him if he gets the nod to take on Sleepy Joe. He’s going to disappear.
FRANCIS SUAREZ: The mayor of Miami and a Cuban-American, Suarez has absolutely no experience in national politics, which won’t keep him from getting elected (see Donald Trump) but he will be done in by a “confused” Joe Biden continually asking, “Francisco Suarez—doesn’t he have his own drug cartel?”
WILL HURD: A biracial good ‘ol ex-congressman from Texas, nobody’s ever heard of Hurd, and I predict this trend will continue.
LARRY ELDER: Got his ass handed to him by Gavin Newsome a couple years ago. Do you remember that? No? Well, you're not going to remember to vote for him this time, either.
And there you have it. Most minorities are Democrats, not necessarily because they support Democratic policies, but because they know all the people that bitterly hate nonwhites are Republicans, and who wants to be in the same party as them? Well, see above. And pass the popcorn.
Not very likely, you sneer, to which I reply, “Stranger things have happened,” even though that’s obviously not true.
Republican party leaders panic, cursing themselves for not having an emergency white candidate. All the remaining Republicans running for President are people of color. Who will emerge from Milwaukee to challenge Biden? Here are the possibilities, ranked:
TIM SCOTT: You have to give the black Senator from South Carolina the pole position. “He’s like a young Clarence Thomas,” his fans gush. “Instead of just kissing billionaire white ass, though, he knows how to kiss trailer park white ass.” Does he beat Biden? Not by giving up 98% of the black vote to an ancient white man.
NIKKI HALEY: The other South Carolina person in the race. Born as Nimarata Nikki Randhawa, she changed her name so racists would vote for her, not realizing she was Indian. Does she beat Biden? Well, Barack Hussein Obama did, so maybe she shouldn’t have changed her name.
VIVEK RAMASWAMY: Also Indian, but unlike Haley, he did not change his name to Vince Ramsey, Victor Rangehorse, Van Riderpuppy, or any other Anglo-Saxon version of Vivek Ramaswamy, continuing to use his birthname even though it makes him sound like someone who spent the ‘80’s chanting “Hare Krishna” in a major airport. Whatever happened to those guys, anyway? The same thing that’s going to happen to him if he gets the nod to take on Sleepy Joe. He’s going to disappear.
FRANCIS SUAREZ: The mayor of Miami and a Cuban-American, Suarez has absolutely no experience in national politics, which won’t keep him from getting elected (see Donald Trump) but he will be done in by a “confused” Joe Biden continually asking, “Francisco Suarez—doesn’t he have his own drug cartel?”
WILL HURD: A biracial good ‘ol ex-congressman from Texas, nobody’s ever heard of Hurd, and I predict this trend will continue.
LARRY ELDER: Got his ass handed to him by Gavin Newsome a couple years ago. Do you remember that? No? Well, you're not going to remember to vote for him this time, either.
And there you have it. Most minorities are Democrats, not necessarily because they support Democratic policies, but because they know all the people that bitterly hate nonwhites are Republicans, and who wants to be in the same party as them? Well, see above. And pass the popcorn.
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