"Getting Secret Service protection is a big day for an aspiring Presidential contender. You're nobody in America until somebody makes a death threat against you. Getting a cool code name is like a candidate's bar mitzvah and prom night rolled into one. Usually a candidate wants something aggressive and masculine, but not this year. Romney originally wanted "Floppy Bunny Ears" as his handle because it's close to Easter, but we had to tell him no, because a code word has to be easily understood and pronounced. Then he wanted "Big Pointy Teeth." We finally made him take "Javelin."
That's nice. It's a big spear, right?
"It's also a crappy muscle car from the '70's. My dad bought me one when all the other kids were getting Camaros, Mustangs and Challengers. Romney's dad made them. My way of getting even. Then Santorum wanted "Gumpher," because that was what girls used to call him in high school. No wonder the dude hates women, huh? That was out, though, because it sounds too much like "Grumpy," which is Hillary Clinton's Secret Service name. All the Seven Dwarfs names are reserved for Cabinet-level officials."
I didn't know that.
"Sure. We always have a little pool every four years to see which one gets 'Dopey.' I picked Eric Holder and won in '08. Lord of the Rings names are used for high-ranking members of Congress. John Boehner is 'Frodo.' We finally made Santorum take "Petrus," which we told him was Latin for Peter, but it's really the name of a Russian oil company that's a secret CIA front. A little inter-agency humor there."
What about the other candidates?
"Well, Gingrich wanted "Newt Gingrich," but it turned out that Ron Paul already had dibs on "Newt Gingrich." The Newt really flew off the handle when he found that out. Not our fault, so we just gave him 'Bam-Bam' and told him to shut up about it."
A Flintstone name?
"They're reserved for candidates that really stick in our craw. Sarah Palin was 'Wilma."