A group of German scientists has announced their suspicion that our reality does not exist. They think everything we do and perceive is part of a huge computer simulation run by advanced beings.
Some critics immediately noticed the similarity between the Germans' theory and the movie "The Matrix." Others pointed out that these scientists were "likely full of it," "probably just making some kind of bad joke," or "a bunch of stoned idiots."
Undeterred, the Germans have decided to test their theory and maybe even make contact with the advanced beings, (or AB's for short). No one knows how these beings, who are the real creators of the universe and everything in it, will react. Imagine your Angry Birds coming alive, flying out of your iPad and starting to crap all over your room.
No matter what the AB's do, however, including ending the universe with a fiery final hard boot, the implications for history and philosophy are huge. Philosophers through the ages have debated the nature of reality, annoying the rest of us immensely, especially those of us with jobs. Some of them have even been brained with rocks for their efforts. These assaults were often accompanied by the question "How's that for reality?"
The most intriguing part of the theory is that the program we're in doesn't need to have been started a million, or four billion, or thirteen billion years ago. It could have started beta-testing yesterday, with all of your memories, your boss and the girl who lives upstairs and thinks you have some kind of eye disorder because you keep staring at her gigantic breasts already embedded in it, along with all of human and natural history.
Consider the following earth-shaking implications, even though there may not be an actual Earth:
The universe did not begin with the Creation or the Big Bang. It began when someone hit Ctr+Alt+Delete.
Those million years that humanity spent hunting, gathering and shivering through Ice Ages instead of settling down and inventing cable TV never happened, so you can quit being self-conscious about your ancestors being naked savages dumb enough to hunt mastodons with pointed sticks.
The original Civil War was a re-enactment.
Reality TV shows are no longer considered fake reality. They are fake, fake reality.
Likewise, there's no point at being embarrassed by the existence of Ted Nugent, Snooki or Honey Boo-Boo from this point forward. They're just part of the program.
Men, there's no need to worry anymore about whether your penis is the wrong size. Your penis doesn't exist. Likewise, ladies, all breasts can be considered fake.
Not all the implications of this discovery are as reassuring as the ones above. There's no guarantee that the AB's are a group of sober researchers. They could be a bunch of other-dimensional teenagers at a party, playing the program on Ultra-Facebook, and all of human history could have occurred between bong hits and furtive, experimental make-out sessions.
If we adopt the Matrix as a model for this reality, however, we know that we can quit looking for Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha or L. Ron Hubbard to save us, and start looking for The One, who in the movie was a dark-haired man with a Hawaiian name and a limited acting range.
Among his talents was an ability to corkscrew around in mid-air so that any bullets fired at him missed.
That would be handy nowadays.
Some critics immediately noticed the similarity between the Germans' theory and the movie "The Matrix." Others pointed out that these scientists were "likely full of it," "probably just making some kind of bad joke," or "a bunch of stoned idiots."
Undeterred, the Germans have decided to test their theory and maybe even make contact with the advanced beings, (or AB's for short). No one knows how these beings, who are the real creators of the universe and everything in it, will react. Imagine your Angry Birds coming alive, flying out of your iPad and starting to crap all over your room.
No matter what the AB's do, however, including ending the universe with a fiery final hard boot, the implications for history and philosophy are huge. Philosophers through the ages have debated the nature of reality, annoying the rest of us immensely, especially those of us with jobs. Some of them have even been brained with rocks for their efforts. These assaults were often accompanied by the question "How's that for reality?"
The most intriguing part of the theory is that the program we're in doesn't need to have been started a million, or four billion, or thirteen billion years ago. It could have started beta-testing yesterday, with all of your memories, your boss and the girl who lives upstairs and thinks you have some kind of eye disorder because you keep staring at her gigantic breasts already embedded in it, along with all of human and natural history.
Consider the following earth-shaking implications, even though there may not be an actual Earth:
The universe did not begin with the Creation or the Big Bang. It began when someone hit Ctr+Alt+Delete.
Those million years that humanity spent hunting, gathering and shivering through Ice Ages instead of settling down and inventing cable TV never happened, so you can quit being self-conscious about your ancestors being naked savages dumb enough to hunt mastodons with pointed sticks.
The original Civil War was a re-enactment.
Reality TV shows are no longer considered fake reality. They are fake, fake reality.
Likewise, there's no point at being embarrassed by the existence of Ted Nugent, Snooki or Honey Boo-Boo from this point forward. They're just part of the program.
Men, there's no need to worry anymore about whether your penis is the wrong size. Your penis doesn't exist. Likewise, ladies, all breasts can be considered fake.
Not all the implications of this discovery are as reassuring as the ones above. There's no guarantee that the AB's are a group of sober researchers. They could be a bunch of other-dimensional teenagers at a party, playing the program on Ultra-Facebook, and all of human history could have occurred between bong hits and furtive, experimental make-out sessions.
If we adopt the Matrix as a model for this reality, however, we know that we can quit looking for Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha or L. Ron Hubbard to save us, and start looking for The One, who in the movie was a dark-haired man with a Hawaiian name and a limited acting range.
Among his talents was an ability to corkscrew around in mid-air so that any bullets fired at him missed.
That would be handy nowadays.
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