This reporter contacted his inside source at the Republican National Committee, roving secret operative Joe Redstate, and asked him if he agreed with Rove.
"Absolutely," was his reply. "In this election year, all real Americans hate America."
Why? Weren't the Republicans until just recently talking about American exceptionalism?
"Until Republicans win the election, America is only exceptionally bad. We're ashamed of Clint Eastwood for breaking rank on this. I suppose we could give him a pass for being eighty-one, but a couple weeks back he said something favorable about gay marriage, so that's doubtful. Go ahead, let him be a Democrat. Only Democrats could love a country run by Barack Obama."
But isn't simple patriotism a Republican virtue?
"Patriotism, schmatriotism. Being proud of this country means you might agree with something Obama's done. Like bailing out the auto industry."
Didn't that save hundreds of thousands of jobs and an American city?
"Sure, if there was no bailout, people would have lost their jobs, and Detroit would be a ghost town. But the real Americans would have moved South and arm-wrestled illegal immigrants for jobs on catfish farms. Sure, they wouldn't have the homes they'd always lived in, or health insurance, or retirement plans, or food besides catfish. But they would have self-respect, knowing they hadn't been bailed out."
But there wouldn't be any American cars left.
"Been to a Tea Party rally lately, bud? Look at the parking lot. Real Americans drive Toyotas."
What about the people who say Obama saved us from another Great Depression?
"Didn't happen, so can't prove it would have happened. Neener, neener boo-boo!"
Can't we be proud of Obama's foreign policy successes? The elimination of Quaddafi and Osama bin Laden?
"Obama didn't get rid of those guys. Quaddafi was overthrown by the Libyans themselves, proudly exercising their Second Amendment rights as Americans. Osama realized that if the Republicans won this year, he'd only have another eight years or so to hide out, so he shot himself, right after sending a text message to Seal Team Six so they could pick up the body."
But what about the message of the Chrysler commercial, that it's all time for us to pull together and climb out of this recession as a nation?
"Pure sentimental crap. If you believe that, you might as well drive a Chrysler product."
I do drive a Dodge.
"No surprise to me. Let me tell you what time it is. It's time for Republicans to pull together and win this election. Then we can go back to loving the nation that we currently hate. The rest of you can go buy a Kia for all we care."