"Hobbits have a long history in the Russian military, going all the way back to Catherine the Great, whom many scholars now feel was suffocated under a pile of sweaty hobbits she was attempting to have sex with, instead of being crushed when a horse she had suspended over her for the purpose of intercourse fell on her. The horse story was just circulated around Moscow because it was considered less disgusting than the truth. Hobbits fought in the Crimean War on the side of the Tsar and were instrumental in enabling Leningrad to survive its siege. They fell into ill favor with Stalin, but then, who didn't? They were confined to a part of the Gulag so frigid many of the survivors stated they missed the volcanoes of Mordor for their warmth," said one expert this journalist met at a local restaurant. "They were rehabilitated under Gorbachev, and resumed their traditional occupations in Russian society, leading quests and selling foot-hair styling products. But when Putin took power their stock soared. No one can say for sure why, but Putin doesn't exactly tower over anyone, and rumors that he is half-hobbit abound, though repeating them can get you a nice stretch in Lubyanka Prison, licking icicles off the community toilets for nourishment."
This picture is pretty convincing. But how does an army of half-pints help you conquer Europe?
"It's Putin's best chance. I know you've seen all the stories about him modernizing his nuclear strike force, but mostly that consisted of trimming back the vines that were growing over his missile silos and sweeping up the empty vodka bottles in his launch control centers. The only nuclear capability the Russians have clearly shown they have is roasting one of their own cities. Putin's got a great new fighter plane, but the fact is he's only got two of them and he's the only one allowed to fly either one. So hobbit power is about all he has left. But don't discount that. Just look at the literature. Hobbits conquer all-seeing empires of pure evil every time, so Angela Merkel probably doesn't scare them. They kill poisonous spiders the size of three-story condos, so send in all the geared-up Navy Seals you want, and they won't blink.
Wow. Is there any way to stop the hobbit threat?
"The only thing that stops hobbits is food. You can surround a besieged city with all the barbed wire, machine gun nests and land mines you want and hobbits will still break through and kill everyone, but surround their target with a sumptuous buffet, steaming with hot food and cold desserts, and hobbits will drop their weapons and stuff themselves until they fall asleep every time. You can build a POW camp around them before they wake up. So what I say to American military strategists is, don't bother spending 8 billion to upgrade our nuclear strike force, or build a bunch more highly advanced military aircraft. What you need to spend your military billions on is really a lot of buffet tables and food, especially a delicious variety of soups and a lot of mouth-watering muffins. That's hobbit bait."
Wait a second—is that a Souplantation apron you're wearing?
"Yes, but that doesn't mean we're not absolutely serious about the Russian hobbit menace. If working overtime on bloated military contracts baking our fudgy desserts and drowning raw vegetables in blue cheese dressing is the only way to save the American way of life, we're willing to make the sacrifice."
Just leave me some coupons and go away, for God's sake.