Over here, I’m not worried about Bernie being a socialist. The Democrats could nominate their own billionaire plutocrat and the Republicans would call him a socialist and he would be, by the Republican definition of socialist—someone who promotes government policies that vaguely favor the average citizen, instead of just the 1% and fossil fuel companies.
No, I’m afraid by giving the nod to Sanders the Democrats seem to be giving away their biggest advantage over Trump in 2020--the fact that the better-looking of the Presidential candidates usually wins.
From past research: Most people are too concerned with the air of incompetent evil that the Trump White House exudes to notice this, but Trump is not only the crookedest, but also the ugliest man to occupy the Oval Office since Nixon.
Since color televisions came to be owned by a majority of the country’s households, the better-looking man has generally prevailed in Presidential elections. Carter bested Ford because he was handsomer, in a shitty haircut kind of way, but he couldn’t match Reagan’s movie-star looks. Bush I beat Dukakis because Dukakis looked like Snoopy in pictures, but the cares of office had worn him down enough by ’92 that he was no match for a curly-haired, horny young stud from Arkansas named Bill Clinton.
You couldn’t say Bush II was really better-looking than Al Gore, but then, you couldn’t say he really won, either.
You get the picture. From the top of his hair-weave to the tips of his elevator shoes, Trump is as ugly as any guy this side of Dog the Bounty Hunter. The weaved and transplanted mane of dyed blonde hair, the orange pancake makeup, the vachina created by tying the overly long tie overly tight, the huge McGut, the ass as big and flabby as another Star Wars sequel. Half of the women that hate him do so because he’s a misogynist prick, but the rest just imagine him touching them and shudder.
So, we Dems are giving away a lot by nominating the Bern. He may not be any uglier than Trump, but he’s not a whole lot better looking. Mostly it’s the hair, although the Walmart eyeglass frames don’t help, either. At least he hasn’t succumbed to the worst of all bald-guy hairstyles, the fringe tied into a ponytail, but something tells me he’s thought about it.
As a bald guy, I personally favor shaving my entire head, which I regard as clean and aesthetically appealing. I roll down the car window anytime I want. Plus, if I let it grow out for a long weekend, I transform into a tough, dangerous, Jason Statham-looking guy who thrills all the octogenarian women who live in my extremely dull neighborhood.
Bernie’s not going to do that, just like he’s not really going to be able to deliver on Medicare for All, because, you know, Congress. He’s had 78 years to shave his nog, so he’s probably not going to start now. He could do better by not avoiding the barber for months at a time and putting a little product in his locks, though. Not the pint of hair spray that Trump needs to make his hair as solid as a football helmet, Bernie. Just quit dry-styling your hair by rubbing it in the dog bed every morning.
You don’t have to adopt Joe Biden’s principles to win, Bernie. But you might consider borrowing his haircut.