The first thing you’re thinking is “Wow, that’s harsh.” And you would be right, and surprised, maybe, because this is the same Pope that let atheists and gays into Heaven, showing a shred of comprehension that some of the Church’s long-held positions don’t make a crap-ton of sense.
This Pope is not Italian, as Popes were for hundreds of years, so the guess here is that he just doesn’t understand the honored place hitmen hold in Italian society. On the other hand, it’s hard to believe he’s never seen “The Godfather.” There are some similarities, true—abortionists get rid of unwanted pregnancies and hitmen eliminate unwanted witnesses—but differences abound. Abortionists are commonly addressed as “Doctor” in places where abortion is legal. Hitman are known for their colorful nicknames—Elmo the Knife, Garroting Gary, Squidge, Snake, and Tommy Trigger are a few of them.
In places where abortion is still illegal, abortionist tend to have colorful nicknames too—Coat Hanger Marie and Drano Debbie are two that come to mind--but here in the US, where the Supreme Court says abortion is legal until it says it isn’t, abortionists tend to work in sterile environments with competent assistance. An abortionist doesn’t have to know how long it takes for cement to set around a snitch’s socks, or how shallow a shallow grave can be hurriedly dug.
The abortionist helps a woman assert control over her own body. The hitman helps the boss assert control over his own crime syndicate. You can make the case that this is morally equivalent, but the police don’t think so.
Unwanted blastocysts and inconvenient witnesses have one thing in common—if they escape with their lives, the government takes care of them. For kids, it’s usually group homes where they can grow up with a bunch of future serial killers and be tormented by foster parents, unless they’re in the South, where they have to learn to play banjo on the porch. The witnesses have it much better—the Witness Protection Program gives them new homes, new identities and boring jobs like the rest of us have.
The Catholics still operate orphanages, despite the fact that donating your baby to the priests is way less popular than it used to be.
All of this Catholic action is done in the name of God’s will, which is the Pope’s position. Whether you were raped, roofied, incested or just fell victim to the male habit of ejaculating frequently and unexpectedly, it’s God’s will that you have that baby, girls. It’s also His will if the father of your baby disappears forever or turns out to be your uncle or your married boss, because God wills some shady shit, if you haven’t noticed.
Whether hitmen use the God’s will thing with their customers is not known to this column, and we don’t want to find out. Sure, hitmen might whisper “It’s God’s will that you take your last ride in the trunk of this Cadillac, my friend,” after they’ve locked you in there, to comfort you in your last moments, but they don’t have to.
If they wanted to do that, they’d have become Popes.