Representative Steve Stockman of Texas has recently issued the bumper sticker at left urging his re-election under the slogan "If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted."
A lot of people were offended by this. Others just shrugged it off as the type of wholesome, Big Texas nuttiness for which the Congressman has previously been noted. Still others point out that if babies were armed, it might be a lot tougher to get them out of the car at day care or make them eat strained peas.
What the Congressman is actually advocating are armed fetuses. He is combining his appreciation for personal firepower with his conviction that any medical device or procedure that allows a woman to have sex without risking popping another seven pounds or so of squalling human into this world is morally wrong.
Whether recently formed blastocysts that are smaller than the period at the end of this sentence should be armed, or only fetuses that have formed eyes and hands and are at least theoretically capable of locking and loading should have access to firearms is a question too fraught to be fully examined in the medium of a bumper sticker, and I don't blame the Representative for not raising it. Arming the pre-born, however, would bring about profound world changes, and perhaps the Representative has not thought them entirely through. Fortunately, he has me to do that for him:
1. No more of those messy Early Pregnancy Tests...just walk through the metal detector at the airport to find out if you're in a family way.
2. Background checks for fetuses—Waived!
3. Sonogram determines not only the sex of the baby but the caliber of its weapon.
4. Pregnant women jumping on trampolines currently just discouraged...now needs to be prohibited by law in the interests of public safety.
5. Fetus provides shotgun at all shotgun marriages.
6. Nervous new fathers now required not only to cut umbilical cord, but disarm the child afterwards.
7. Only SWAT teams permitted to perform Cesareans.
8. Damn fine excuse for not having sex with your pregnant wife.
9. Hunting safety courses tacked on to Lamaze classes.
10. Instead of classical music, pre-borns get music they want to hear-- ZZ Top, .38 Special, or just romantic ballads about outlaw fetuses.
And, finally, fetuses may opt to remain in womb under "Stand Your Ground" laws in some states.
It's going to be a brave new world in Texas. Congressman Stockman, besides peddling his bumper stickers, is encouraging all "persecuted" gun owners and manufacturers to move there. He hasn't added "and get somebody pregnant" yet. He's saving that for his next bumper sticker would be my guess.
A lot of people were offended by this. Others just shrugged it off as the type of wholesome, Big Texas nuttiness for which the Congressman has previously been noted. Still others point out that if babies were armed, it might be a lot tougher to get them out of the car at day care or make them eat strained peas.
What the Congressman is actually advocating are armed fetuses. He is combining his appreciation for personal firepower with his conviction that any medical device or procedure that allows a woman to have sex without risking popping another seven pounds or so of squalling human into this world is morally wrong.
Whether recently formed blastocysts that are smaller than the period at the end of this sentence should be armed, or only fetuses that have formed eyes and hands and are at least theoretically capable of locking and loading should have access to firearms is a question too fraught to be fully examined in the medium of a bumper sticker, and I don't blame the Representative for not raising it. Arming the pre-born, however, would bring about profound world changes, and perhaps the Representative has not thought them entirely through. Fortunately, he has me to do that for him:
1. No more of those messy Early Pregnancy Tests...just walk through the metal detector at the airport to find out if you're in a family way.
2. Background checks for fetuses—Waived!
3. Sonogram determines not only the sex of the baby but the caliber of its weapon.
4. Pregnant women jumping on trampolines currently just discouraged...now needs to be prohibited by law in the interests of public safety.
5. Fetus provides shotgun at all shotgun marriages.
6. Nervous new fathers now required not only to cut umbilical cord, but disarm the child afterwards.
7. Only SWAT teams permitted to perform Cesareans.
8. Damn fine excuse for not having sex with your pregnant wife.
9. Hunting safety courses tacked on to Lamaze classes.
10. Instead of classical music, pre-borns get music they want to hear-- ZZ Top, .38 Special, or just romantic ballads about outlaw fetuses.
And, finally, fetuses may opt to remain in womb under "Stand Your Ground" laws in some states.
It's going to be a brave new world in Texas. Congressman Stockman, besides peddling his bumper stickers, is encouraging all "persecuted" gun owners and manufacturers to move there. He hasn't added "and get somebody pregnant" yet. He's saving that for his next bumper sticker would be my guess.
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