Joe chillin' at church, before being told to GTFO. Former VP Joe Biden was refused Communion at a Catholic church in South Carolina last weekend, as the local priest got holy on him for not being against abortion enough, or at all. This is consistent with the position of most religious South Carolinians, whether they are Catholics, standard Protestants or evangelicals belonging to the Church of the Nine Hundred Foot Jesus Weeping by the River--the candidate who won't let the government in your uterus is shunned in favor of Trump, the candidate who's paid for more abortions than you've had used cars.
Whether that ruined Biden's chance at eternal glory (or the Democratic nomination) or not is not for this column to determine. Joe’s stance on abortion is the typical Dem position on it—he’s personally opposed to it, but doesn’t think it’s right to force his beliefs on America’s non-Catholics, which include Jews, Muslims, Presbyterians and various twisted Satanists, witches and atheists, who are cool with women making their own minds up about it.
The Church, which makes its living forcing its beliefs on people who have not yet been disgusted by its harboring a coven of child molesters since along about the Middle Ages, doesn’t always deny Joe the Body of Christ—his hometown priest is cool with him—that guy just says “Whatever” about the whole third trimester deal and slips him the wafer. Which is good for Joe, I guess, although, as an ex-member of the One True Church, I gave up the whole Communion thing as soon as I was old enough to drive myself to Dunkin’ Donuts instead of church, which is where my Catholic mother thought I was taking the car. Crullers taste way better than Communion wafers.
Joe needs a gimmick, because he is getting all knotted up in the polls. Liz Warren has one. I am constantly being urged to “Have a Beer with Liz,” by my Facebook feed. Which would be fine by me. In fact, I would be happy to have six or eight of them with her, until we were both buzzed enough to show each other our tattoos and make up crude Amy Klobuchar jokes. Not to be outdone, Pete Buttigieg also tries to lure me on FB to “Have Pizza with Pete.” Choice of beverage is optional, I guess, but beer would be good. Count on me showing up.
No invite from Joe, yet, although “Have Communion with Joe,” would leave me cold. “Get Shot Down for Communion with Joe” is more my style, and I can show him how do it with flair—when the priest refuses to pass over the sacred saltine, just say, “Aw, your fingers reek of altar boy ass, anyway,” and attempt to high-five everybody on the way out.
With pizza and beer both taken, the best I can come up with for the former VP is “Do a Line with Biden.”
But if you win, don’t be surprised if Hunter shows up instead.
Whether that ruined Biden's chance at eternal glory (or the Democratic nomination) or not is not for this column to determine. Joe’s stance on abortion is the typical Dem position on it—he’s personally opposed to it, but doesn’t think it’s right to force his beliefs on America’s non-Catholics, which include Jews, Muslims, Presbyterians and various twisted Satanists, witches and atheists, who are cool with women making their own minds up about it.
The Church, which makes its living forcing its beliefs on people who have not yet been disgusted by its harboring a coven of child molesters since along about the Middle Ages, doesn’t always deny Joe the Body of Christ—his hometown priest is cool with him—that guy just says “Whatever” about the whole third trimester deal and slips him the wafer. Which is good for Joe, I guess, although, as an ex-member of the One True Church, I gave up the whole Communion thing as soon as I was old enough to drive myself to Dunkin’ Donuts instead of church, which is where my Catholic mother thought I was taking the car. Crullers taste way better than Communion wafers.
Joe needs a gimmick, because he is getting all knotted up in the polls. Liz Warren has one. I am constantly being urged to “Have a Beer with Liz,” by my Facebook feed. Which would be fine by me. In fact, I would be happy to have six or eight of them with her, until we were both buzzed enough to show each other our tattoos and make up crude Amy Klobuchar jokes. Not to be outdone, Pete Buttigieg also tries to lure me on FB to “Have Pizza with Pete.” Choice of beverage is optional, I guess, but beer would be good. Count on me showing up.
No invite from Joe, yet, although “Have Communion with Joe,” would leave me cold. “Get Shot Down for Communion with Joe” is more my style, and I can show him how do it with flair—when the priest refuses to pass over the sacred saltine, just say, “Aw, your fingers reek of altar boy ass, anyway,” and attempt to high-five everybody on the way out.
With pizza and beer both taken, the best I can come up with for the former VP is “Do a Line with Biden.”
But if you win, don’t be surprised if Hunter shows up instead.
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