You say you are retiring to spend more time with your family, yet you’ve been in Congress since 1999. Why the decision to start spending more than fifteen minutes a week with your wife and kids now?
“Pretending I actually care about the American people is putting a tremendous strain on my family. The pressure has been building up through the years. It’s tearing my family apart. My oldest son is the bleeding heart of the family. He’s always worried my hankering to dismantle Medicare and Social Security is going to kill poor, old, sick people.”
Many of your other critics say that as well.
“Completely unfair, as I tell my boy. I noticed in my altar boy days that every single poor old person in my parish could get free nourishment by just going to Communion every day. Why do they need Social Security to feed themselves? I’ve no sympathy for people who’ve worked all their lives and end up eating Purina Cat Chow because they don’t get enough money from the government.”
That’s pretty harsh.
“And I think that way because there are plenty of store brand pet foods that are cheaper than Purina Cat Chow. The dollars they could save by buying them they could spend on the luxury items they’re constantly whining about not being able to afford, like a new toothbrush or some socks.”
What about your other boy? Are you retiring so you can keep him from becoming a bleeding heart as well?
“Naw. That kid’s going to be okay. He’s already got a job as a paperboy.
Really? I didn’t think there was such a thing anymore.
“There is if you show enough initiative. He brings both of the Koch brothers their newspapers every morning. They pay him $60,000 a year.”
Turning to your political reasons for quitting, commentators are saying it’s an act of pure cowardice, like most of the rest of your career, that the Republicans are going to lose big in the fall, you wouldn’t be Speaker anymore anyway, and the more time you spend kissing Trump’s ass the greater the danger your perfect hair might get messed up, not to mention your chances of ever being President yourself.
“On the contrary, it’s part of my political genius. When the Dems win, we’re going to start blaming the huge deficit we created on them. We’ll start whining about the gigantic national debt we’re leaving our children just like the old days, and I’ll sweep into office on the votes of people begging me to cut off those malnourished grandads and freeloading grandmas.”
So, you’re worried about America’s future generations?
Of course. But as a Republican, I’m not going to irresponsibly throw money at real problems on their behalf. I’m going to throw money at nonexistent problems and take care of my campaign contributors. Those are the sensible, restrained, level-headed policies that will see America into the future. Do we want to live in some welfare state where old people on Social Security can easily afford to eat hamburgers at McDonald’s, if they don’t also work there? My guess is no.”
So, you’re just biding your time until the political wheel turns?
“Yep. The gravy river will just keep running higher. Lobbying, speechmaking. I’ve even been thinking about starting a foundation like the Clintons did, except the Paul Ryan Foundation would not give money to anybody devasted by misfortune unless they could show an income of at least a hundred thou a year. Doing otherwise just sends the wrong message. That, and maybe I’ll start smoking weed with John Boehner.”
Not enough hours in the day, huh?
For those of you who didn’t understand the John Boehner reference, please go to: https://www.cnn.com/2018/04/11/politics/boehner-cannabis-company-board/index.html for enlightenment.