Popular vote loser Donald Trump has succeeded in transforming this country from a nation deeply divided over race, class and politics, into a nation deeply divided over race, class and politics with shitty health insurance, a Supreme Court Justice that leans just a little right of Napoleon, and a tax cut that will benefit billionaires and be paid off by our grandkids. This, despite the Caucasian-in-Chief’s consistent ability, in spite of its alleged small size, to step on his own penis.
We must work harder to control the impulses of this President. And the only proven way to do that is to kiss his ass. The Chinese, clever Asians that they are, showed the way. As soon as Trump was sworn in, they immediately sent over their Main Honcho, Xi Jinping, who spent a few days at Mar al Lago putting lip-locks on Trump’s buttocks, and the trade war he had scheduled with China was canceled.
Then Trump threatened to quit paying for NATO. Immediately, the new President of France leapt into the breach left by Angela Merkel, who was treating Trump like the toupee-wearing orangutan that he always acts like. Macron and his wife had a weekend with Trump and Melania, and even though Trump, no doubt intending to be complimentary but succeeding in only being loutish, remarked that Macron’s wife looked pretty good for an old lady, that did not keep the brave Macron from covering Trump’s hiney with a torrent of smooches, and saving NATO for another day.
Unfortunately for Mexico, the only way Trump is going to let them pucker up on his bottom is to pay for that wall. There’s no hope for them. But the basic principle applies—if you want Trump to do anything for you, better smear on some Chapstick and shoot for the moon, so to speak. With that in mind, let’s examine what a few of the groups currently diametrically opposed to Trump could do to get Trump on their sides.
A simple name change would suffice for two of them. “Black Lives Matter” would just have to become “Black Lives Matter, But Not as Much as Trump Family and Friends Lives and Their Overall Financial Comfort Matters,” and they would be cracking lobster tails at Mar Al Lago in no time.
#Me Too could transform itself into “#Me Too, Except For All Those of Us Who Accused Trump—We Were Asking for It.” Trump would immediately come out against sexual harassment. He would probably invite all the leaders of the movement to the White House, where he would slap their rumps in congratulation.
As for those kneeling NFL players, all they would have to do is kneel when an image of Trump’s behind is flashing on the scoreboard instead of the flag. They wouldn’t even have to blow air-kisses while they were doing it. They're already wearing knee pads. Trump would understand that message.
Of course, an actual peck on Trump's bottom wouldn’t hurt. Never does. Ask Mike Pence.