The national retail chain Target has requested that the members of Open Carry Texas, a group of heavily armed individuals who like to carry automatic weapons around in public, not to come into its stores armed.
OCT immediately responded by requesting that Target change its name. Tov Henderson, a spokesman for the group, was happy to explain OCT's reasoning in a phone interview.
"A place that bans decent, gun-obsessed Americans from bivouacking on its premises without carrying enough guns and ammo to protect themselves against a deranged shooter or a socialist dictatorship is within its rights to do so, but they shouldn't call themselves Target. The word "target" has a special meaning for us Open Carry dudes, because that is mostly what we shoot. Some of us attempt to hunt, but those animals can be very tricky to hit—very few of them will actually hold still while you try and put a bullet in them, and waiting for a schizophrenic killer to emerge from the shadows so you can waste him can be a very time-consuming activity. So you see why we like targets. Or beer bottles, or watermelons. That's why we always thought Target would have a special affinity for us. But apparently not. That's okay. I'll still see those big red circles and get that warm feeling inside that happens when I want to blast away at something. It's almost like sex."
What do you know about sex?
"Not much. A lot of the women here in Texas favor guys with jobs and some sense of fashion, plus adequate personal grooming and hygiene over us Open Carry hombres. But we expect their views to evolve, as long as we keep slinging heat."
Why do you do it anyway? Even other gun fetishists think you guys look stupid.
"Everybody in OCT has their own reasons, of course. For me, it's the fun of watching blood drain from people's faces when they see a bunch of heavily armed bros shopping for snacks and Vitamin Water. Some of them make the sign of the cross when they see us, others just cower in the aisles, waiting for death to come. Beats watching the Astros lose another game. Like I said, we can find other places to pack heat. We just want Target to change its name."
To what?
"That's their problem. The Racks, or Shelves Full of Stuff, or The Cheap Cargo Shorts and Dandruff Shampoo Emporium. Whatever."
I think there's already a store called The Rack. It's a clothing store.
"See, we would never go there. If you can't buy it at a sporting goods store, we won't wear it. That's the way we roll."
Have you guys considered emigrating? There are many countries, particularly in the Third World and the Middle East, where guys standing around with machine guns is a major economic activity. You'd fit right in.
"Buddy, I see the pictures. And you're right—we envy those guys. Wasn't until we saw those videos of Bookoo Harem that we realized that a pickup truck just looks empty unless you've got a .50 caliber mounted in the bed. But we're loyal Americans. We're not moving to some foreign country just because you can wake up to the sound of bullets zipping around, as beautiful as that sound is. We just want us to be more like them."
OCT immediately responded by requesting that Target change its name. Tov Henderson, a spokesman for the group, was happy to explain OCT's reasoning in a phone interview.
"A place that bans decent, gun-obsessed Americans from bivouacking on its premises without carrying enough guns and ammo to protect themselves against a deranged shooter or a socialist dictatorship is within its rights to do so, but they shouldn't call themselves Target. The word "target" has a special meaning for us Open Carry dudes, because that is mostly what we shoot. Some of us attempt to hunt, but those animals can be very tricky to hit—very few of them will actually hold still while you try and put a bullet in them, and waiting for a schizophrenic killer to emerge from the shadows so you can waste him can be a very time-consuming activity. So you see why we like targets. Or beer bottles, or watermelons. That's why we always thought Target would have a special affinity for us. But apparently not. That's okay. I'll still see those big red circles and get that warm feeling inside that happens when I want to blast away at something. It's almost like sex."
What do you know about sex?
"Not much. A lot of the women here in Texas favor guys with jobs and some sense of fashion, plus adequate personal grooming and hygiene over us Open Carry hombres. But we expect their views to evolve, as long as we keep slinging heat."
Why do you do it anyway? Even other gun fetishists think you guys look stupid.
"Everybody in OCT has their own reasons, of course. For me, it's the fun of watching blood drain from people's faces when they see a bunch of heavily armed bros shopping for snacks and Vitamin Water. Some of them make the sign of the cross when they see us, others just cower in the aisles, waiting for death to come. Beats watching the Astros lose another game. Like I said, we can find other places to pack heat. We just want Target to change its name."
To what?
"That's their problem. The Racks, or Shelves Full of Stuff, or The Cheap Cargo Shorts and Dandruff Shampoo Emporium. Whatever."
I think there's already a store called The Rack. It's a clothing store.
"See, we would never go there. If you can't buy it at a sporting goods store, we won't wear it. That's the way we roll."
Have you guys considered emigrating? There are many countries, particularly in the Third World and the Middle East, where guys standing around with machine guns is a major economic activity. You'd fit right in.
"Buddy, I see the pictures. And you're right—we envy those guys. Wasn't until we saw those videos of Bookoo Harem that we realized that a pickup truck just looks empty unless you've got a .50 caliber mounted in the bed. But we're loyal Americans. We're not moving to some foreign country just because you can wake up to the sound of bullets zipping around, as beautiful as that sound is. We just want us to be more like them."
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