“Please note that President Trump and Stephen Miller both agree that only Muslims can be terrorists. And maybe people in a caravan, or if they’re in M-13. White loners who can’t get laid aren’t terrorists, even when they post hate screeds on 8chan 45 minutes before they open fire in a Walmart full of Hispanics that they’ve traveled 400 miles to get to because they weren’t enough Hispanics to shoot at home.
“These people are just mentally ill cowards that nothing can be done about, because they just look like other white people responsibly owning a lot of guns and ammo and who vote Republican. Now, if this fellow had put on some ookie-looking Muslim head wrap or robes we could say terrorist for sure. Or he could have burned a Bible or a flag before he picked up his gun if he wanted us to call him a terrorist. So, it was his choice. Probably the result of playing too many video games. Right now, all we can say is, he for sure wasn’t a very fine person.
“Don’t think this Administration is doing nothing about mass shootings either. Right as we speak, Mike Pence is praying. And we’re encouraging as many people as we can to walk around holding candles, and leave balloons and stuffed animals at the places people fell.”
Texas governor Greg Abbott has also been criticized for his pro-gun policies, and his push to make Texas an open-carry state. His office said, “Open-carry had nothing to do with the fact that people observing a guy with an AK-47 going into a Walmart couldn’t identify him as a potential mass murderer because it’s perfectly legal in our state to care a military-style weapon into a big-box store just in case something goes down in the Health and Beauty aisle. Good guys with guns are our defense against crimes like this. It’s just a tragic coincidence that all those potential heroes appear to have been shopping at Target at the time.”
NRA head honcho Wayne LaPierre was quick to jump in to defend the mass shooters’ weapon of choice, the semi-automatic weapon. “The fact that a guy in Ohio opened fire in an area with an active police presence and was still able to kill 9 people in less than a minute before the cops took him out does not mean that the AR-15 is an inherently dangerous weapon. The fact that random loonies prefer them is no reason to ban automatic weapons. What about America’s hunters? If they can’t take an infantry-style weapon into the woods, what happens to them if they suddenly find themselves surrounded by twenty hostile deer?
“Nevertheless, alert gun owners know that AR-15’s tend to go off in the heat of summer. I blame this spurt of violence on the hot weather we've been having, which has nothing to do with global warming. Just keep your machine gun in a cool dark place until after Labor Day, and we’ll all be fine.”