In view of the current shutdown in the American porn industry caused by an outbreak of syphilis among performers, the Obama Administration has announced plans to tap into the Strategic Porn Reserve in order to damp down speculation in porn futures. That speculation threatens to drive the price of porn dramatically higher right before the election, endangering the fragile economic recovery.
An Administration official justified the decision by pointing out the benchmark price for light sweet porn, the industry standard, had risen by over 30% since the STD outbreak. "Even contracts for future delivery of less desirable, high sulfur porn, such as bondage porn and Kentucky homemade porn have shot up since the current disruption in the market. This move is necessary to stabilize the price of porn for the American consumer."
Members of the Organization of Pornography Exporting Countries (OPEC) reacted to the US move by threatening to cut back on production themselves, thereby keeping the price of porn high, except for the world's largest producer of porn, Brazil, which promised to up its production in order to make up for the US shortfall. The Administration spokesman acknowledged its debt to the Brazilians, but added "Brazil, with its vast porn reserves, is a unique case. Brazil's support is very much appreciated, but that only means the price of musky, dark-skinned porn featuring women with gravity-defying behinds will remain stable. The Russians and the eastern Europeans, also members of OPEC, are threatening to send the price of porn starring young, creamy-complexioned Slavic girls who will have sex in exchange for a bite of a donut to world-record highs."
When questioned about the Strategic Porn Reserve, equivalent to nearly a year's supply at current consumption rates and stored in underground caves in Louisiana, the Obama spokesman said "We do realize that some of this porn is old school, and the hair and moustache styles on the male performers may seem risible to younger porn consumers. Likewise, some of it was made before modern back and bikini-waxing techniques were fully developed and it may seem hairier overall than modern porn. None of these technical differences, however, should prevent its utilization."
Republicans promptly criticized the move, accusing Obama of playing politics with porn and decrying the tight web of regulation that they say is crippling the domestic porn industry. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney introduced a plan to make America porn-independent by 2020 by opening Federal lands and offshore tracts to porn production. "Like the lady said," Romney was quoted when outlining the plan, "Drill, baby, drill."
An Administration official justified the decision by pointing out the benchmark price for light sweet porn, the industry standard, had risen by over 30% since the STD outbreak. "Even contracts for future delivery of less desirable, high sulfur porn, such as bondage porn and Kentucky homemade porn have shot up since the current disruption in the market. This move is necessary to stabilize the price of porn for the American consumer."
Members of the Organization of Pornography Exporting Countries (OPEC) reacted to the US move by threatening to cut back on production themselves, thereby keeping the price of porn high, except for the world's largest producer of porn, Brazil, which promised to up its production in order to make up for the US shortfall. The Administration spokesman acknowledged its debt to the Brazilians, but added "Brazil, with its vast porn reserves, is a unique case. Brazil's support is very much appreciated, but that only means the price of musky, dark-skinned porn featuring women with gravity-defying behinds will remain stable. The Russians and the eastern Europeans, also members of OPEC, are threatening to send the price of porn starring young, creamy-complexioned Slavic girls who will have sex in exchange for a bite of a donut to world-record highs."
When questioned about the Strategic Porn Reserve, equivalent to nearly a year's supply at current consumption rates and stored in underground caves in Louisiana, the Obama spokesman said "We do realize that some of this porn is old school, and the hair and moustache styles on the male performers may seem risible to younger porn consumers. Likewise, some of it was made before modern back and bikini-waxing techniques were fully developed and it may seem hairier overall than modern porn. None of these technical differences, however, should prevent its utilization."
Republicans promptly criticized the move, accusing Obama of playing politics with porn and decrying the tight web of regulation that they say is crippling the domestic porn industry. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney introduced a plan to make America porn-independent by 2020 by opening Federal lands and offshore tracts to porn production. "Like the lady said," Romney was quoted when outlining the plan, "Drill, baby, drill."
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