"It's morning in America," he crowed. "Finally, our nation is united. Rich and poor, black and white, Hispanics and people who speak English—all of them have one thing in common now. They hate Obama. Republicans, who have been urging people to hate Obama since 2008, constitute the foaming crest of this gigantic groundswell."
Nobody mixes a metaphor like you, Joe. Why do you think the message of Obama-hatred is finally resonating with the American public?
"Two words, baby. ISIS and Ebola. People know that Obama is responsible for both. Take ISIS first. It grew out of the crisis in Syria, which we can safely blame on Obama."
Couldn't a reasonable person blame it on someone else? Like the Syrians?
"Not possible. Ask a Syrian. All the ones we did were in complete agreement that it was Obama's fault. They had begged Obama to bomb them, early and often, but to no avail. 'Put a cruise missile up our backsides now,' they cried, 'or you're going to get ISIS inside of a year.' Obama ignored these piteous wails and refused to blow up any of Syria at all."
As I recall, the Republicans in Congress refused to let him.
"Sure we did. Because he's weak. A strong leader would have made us vote for what we said we wanted, which was a forceful American response. But you can't make a strong response if you're a weak leader, so us cutting Obama off at the knees was the only logical thing to do. Besides, it's kind of a reflex by now. But don't just take our word on Obama's lack of international cajones. Asenior Iranian adviser just said Obama was the weakest America President ever."
And Republicans usually believe anything Iran says?
"Hell, no. They're still the cotter pin on the Axis of Evil as far as we're concerned, a bunch of mendacious, wanna bomb Israel with the nukes they're going to make with the centrifuges they've concealed in their tent poles fanatical Muslim goatherds they've always been. That guy just stopped lying through his rotting, khat-stained teeth just long enough to tell the truth about Obama. He couldn't help himself, it's so obvious. That's the way we see it. Same with ISIS. If a Republican was President, ISIS wouldn't exist. If a core of crazy Islamics with a yearning to chop off the heads of anybody who disagreed with them had come across some guns and tanks that the Syrians or Iraqis had kind of abandoned in the heat of non-battle and John McCain or even Mitt Romney was President, they would have said 'Hey, we really could start our own Islamic caliphate with this stuff, but America has a strong President, so we'd better just park these things over by the mosque and mail the keys back to the US embassy."
So just having Romney in the White House would have prevented ISIS?
"Republican Presidents are smart about the Middle East. Look at the historical record. But the real reason American hate Obama is because he's exposed them all to Ebola.
Run that one by me, Joe.
"First off, look at the fact that 'Obama' and 'Ebola' both have three syllables and begin and end with vowels, and they're both from Africa."
"You need something else? You have really got your head in the pandemic sand. It's canned goods and ammunition time, pal. Here in America Ebola only seems to infect doctors and nurses, so if we quarantine them by chaining them all of our hospitals shut, we might survive. But Obama's too weak to take the necessary steps. He hugged one victim instead. Even Michelle won't come near him now. She hates him, too.
I guess it does bode well for the GOP, Joe. No wonder you're excited. You've still got Benghazi and Obamacare to bash the Dems with, too.
"Maybe you've noticed we've shut up about Benghazi and Obamacare? We Republicans know little fake problems aren't going to get us elected as resoundingly as big fake problems. Just repeat after me, Obama and ISIS and Ebola!