"This wasn't about racism," he said. "This was about a guy who was not following police orders. He wasn't following the Food Pyramid, either. If Eric Garner had a diet rich in whole grains, fresh vegetables and legumes, plus carefully controlled portions of fish or animal protein, he would probably be alive today in spite of having resisted arrest."
So you're recommending a program of diet and exercise to everyone considering becoming a minor lawbreaker in the Big Apple?
"I'm glad you mentioned exercise, because that's important, too. If you're planning a misdemeanor-rich criminal career, an exercise program is key to avoiding chokehold death. First, see your doctor. Then start by walking, then a little gentle jogging. You can work up to a full running program, but be careful to shoplift the correct shoes for it. Then Pilates or yoga to keep your muscles, especially those all-important neck muscles, stretched and limber. Stay in shape, and the next time you're choked out by a cop who's fed up with your fat ass selling loose ciggies on his turf, you'll wake up in Rikers with nothing more than a sore throat."
Unless you have asthma, which Garner did.
"Sure, but what gave him asthma? Food allergies are a major cause of asthma, you know. My bet in Garner's case is gluten sensitivity. If you look at that video without being influenced by the liberal media chorus that claims it shows Garner being choked to death, you'd probably agree that it was him irresponsibly packing his body full of gluten before breaking the law that killed him, not a member of law enforcement."
Well, yeah, you can see he's not in shape in the part of the video before all the cops jump him..."
"Jiggling with deadly gluten is the way the grand jury saw it. They're the ones who realized Garner being strangled on live video had nothing to do with the color of his skin. It was the amount of puff pastries and Baby Ruths he had packed inside of that skin. There's the one important thing that critics of the grand jury and the NYPD have to realize."
"Cops don't kill people. Doughnuts kill people."