“The ugly and dangerous truth is that we live in an embarrassing, politically correct culture that exalts and rejoices in the bizarre; aggressively promotes an ‘anything goes’ value system; and vilifies, condemns and mocks traditional societal values and customs at every opportunity,” Nugent wrote.
I caught up with Ted by phone to congratulate him on the editorial. "Ted," I said, "aren't those the longest sentences you've ever written?"
"Damn right, dude," the guitar-gunmeister replied. "I lost sleep over where to stick that semicolon. Ain't no semicolons in Cat Scratch Fever."
"Or your other unblushing salute to backstage vagina, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang. Some of your fans want to know how their teenage daughters giving sex to aging rock stars is a traditional societal value?"
"Vagina is an American value, dude. Strong vaginas are a symbol of our nation's values and a national resource second to none."
"What about all the drugs and alcohol these young vagina owners consume before they decide that giving away their vaginas to a sixty-something guitarist whose long locks and tiny gray beard make him look like a cartoon goat is a good idea? Aren't these evidence of moral decay?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. All I know is that American vagina is the finest on the planet."
"You are aware that vagina is a worldwide phenomenon?"
"Like most liberal wimps, you don't believe in American exceptionalism! That includes vagina! Unwashed French vagina, cold Canadian vagina, spicy Mexican vagina—none of them compare to American vagina! God bless it! And that's why we have to overcome these liberals that want us to have vagina control! Right now, 50% of the American people control 100% of America's vaginas! A liberal minority, trying to limit my access to their vaginas! Sounds like socialism to me."
"Umm…fifty percent isn't a minority, Ted."
"You intellectuals and your statistics! All I know is that as an American, I've got a right to have my gun and your vagina! And my new Republican buddies agree with me. Real Americans all agree—we've got a right to poke around in your vagina."
"That makes me glad I don't have a vagina."
"Well, we're going to get you one, buddy. These vagina-hoarding socialists with their politically correct poontang…you think I need another semicolon here?"
"No, Ted, you're doing fine."
"Or whatever you want to call them…"
"Girls is a popular choice."
"When Americans find out what they're really up to, all vagina restrictions will be abolished! Every dude will be able to freely access any kind of vagina they want! Restrictions on clip sizes will be abolished, if you know what I mean. And the only part of vagina that most of us hate will be eliminated."
"What part is that, Ted?"
"Dude! The three-date waiting period!"