Going to Hell? You betcha!
The Newtown, Connecticut school shooting and subsequent remarks by overweight Fox pundit and former Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee that the slaughter of twenty innocent schoolchildren happened because "we've removed God from our schools," has resulted in a significant drop in the nation's atheist population, as many former rationalists are signaling a willingness to convert to any religion that promises Hell for Mike Huckabee after he dies.
"I talked to a couple of my atheist buddies after Huckabee spoke out," said one former non-believer, who wished to remain anonymous, "and they all agreed that while Huckabee deserved eternal torment for telling the parents of these murdered kids that it wouldn't have happened if they'd had a few more Bibles lying around their school, as atheists they just couldn't start believing in a place of eternal damnation because they wanted Huckabee there.
"That wasn't good enough for me, so I started investigating belief alternatives. I have to admit, all the pastors I talked to were pretty dodgy about whether twenty-eight pointless homicides were part of God's plan, although they all agreed unanimously that He had a plan. When I asked them if bulleting babies was a result of God's will, or if He didn't actually will it, if He just was good with letting random loonies shoot kids, or if He was merely busy putting together His fantasy football team or otherwise occupied when that school started getting shot up, they all started fingering their collars or advising me to read the Bible kind of nervously. I actually lost a little hope that there was a religion out there for me. The one thing that kept me going was that all of them, even the ones that had the same point of view as Huckabee, agreed that he deserved to go to Hell for implying that we don't have enough crosses over our city halls or Ten Commandments displays on library lawns to prevent mass schoolchildren shootings.
"I even thought about going Muslim, as all of them have to pray five times a day and some of them still wrap their little kids in explosives and send them out to blow themselves up. What says "inner peace" more than that?
"In the end, I decided it wasn't about inner peace. It wasn't about which religion had the nicest, most eternal Heaven with the coolest angels and the best entertainment. It was about Mike Huckabee's soul, so I picked the religion that had the biggest, ass-roasting-est Hell with the most generous admissions policy and now that I believe that Huckabee, right after he stuffs his gut with that final, fatal piece of pie that's waiting for him down the road, will go there, I have achieved spiritual tranquility.
"And no, I won't tell you where or what that church is. We don't need some nut coming out there and trying to shoot us all."
"I talked to a couple of my atheist buddies after Huckabee spoke out," said one former non-believer, who wished to remain anonymous, "and they all agreed that while Huckabee deserved eternal torment for telling the parents of these murdered kids that it wouldn't have happened if they'd had a few more Bibles lying around their school, as atheists they just couldn't start believing in a place of eternal damnation because they wanted Huckabee there.
"That wasn't good enough for me, so I started investigating belief alternatives. I have to admit, all the pastors I talked to were pretty dodgy about whether twenty-eight pointless homicides were part of God's plan, although they all agreed unanimously that He had a plan. When I asked them if bulleting babies was a result of God's will, or if He didn't actually will it, if He just was good with letting random loonies shoot kids, or if He was merely busy putting together His fantasy football team or otherwise occupied when that school started getting shot up, they all started fingering their collars or advising me to read the Bible kind of nervously. I actually lost a little hope that there was a religion out there for me. The one thing that kept me going was that all of them, even the ones that had the same point of view as Huckabee, agreed that he deserved to go to Hell for implying that we don't have enough crosses over our city halls or Ten Commandments displays on library lawns to prevent mass schoolchildren shootings.
"I even thought about going Muslim, as all of them have to pray five times a day and some of them still wrap their little kids in explosives and send them out to blow themselves up. What says "inner peace" more than that?
"In the end, I decided it wasn't about inner peace. It wasn't about which religion had the nicest, most eternal Heaven with the coolest angels and the best entertainment. It was about Mike Huckabee's soul, so I picked the religion that had the biggest, ass-roasting-est Hell with the most generous admissions policy and now that I believe that Huckabee, right after he stuffs his gut with that final, fatal piece of pie that's waiting for him down the road, will go there, I have achieved spiritual tranquility.
"And no, I won't tell you where or what that church is. We don't need some nut coming out there and trying to shoot us all."
RSS Feed
