STABLE GENIUS CERTIFICATE: If your neighbors are expressin’ doubts about your marble count, and whose neighbors don’t once in a while, whip this out and wave it in their libtard mugs. Printed on genuine paper, with fancy letterin' like a diploma or a fake birth certificate, it proves that you forgettin’ to put your pants on before you went to church two Sundays ago is on account of the intense mental gyrations constantly goin’ on in your bean, not because you got some kind of personality disorder that only a Democrat would get, anyway. $15.
GONE GOLFIN’ DESK PLATE: Handy even if you don’t golf or even work, this handsome desk plate tells the world you’re engagin’ in some much-needed down time. Sweep those old mufflers and your collection of Snap-on Tool calendars from the last century off that old desk you got in the shed and display it with pride. $17.
SHUT UP I’M WATCHING FOX NEWS BATHROBE: When you want to inform your kin that you’re busy gettin’ some new opinions, so they need to button their pieholes. Available in multiple colors (Not orange). $35.
STORMY DANIELS SEX DOLL: When your wife’s just birthed a baby or your favorite farm animal just seems moody, but you need to express your manful needs anyway, Stormy’s ready. Available in two models—Young Stormy and MILF Stormy. Complimentary copy of Forbes Magazine provided for you to spank yourself with while Stormy works her porn-star magic on your lusts. Three love chambers for you to fill. No condom needed because she’s made entirely of latex. $65.00
MAKE AMERICA THINK AGAIN DEMENTIA TEST CHEAT SHEET: So, you accidentally parked your truck inside the hardware store? Could happen to anybody, havin’ a forgetful moment, but now the sheriff wants you to take one of those tricky dementia tests or else he’s takin’ your license away. Don’t worry. You’ll be drawing clocks and correctly identifyin’ pictures of zebras and hippos in no time, once you study this. Comes in a full-size version and a pint-size one that can easily be taped to the inside of your wrist.