A semi-recent news item took note of Russian performance artist Pyotr Pavlensky , who nailed his scrotum to the cobblestones of Red Square in Moscow to protest Russia's "descent into a police state."
Pavlensky, who makes a habit of injuring himself in the name of freedom, also sewed his lips together last year to protest the imprisonment of the girl band with the greatest girl band name of all time, Pussy Riot, by the Russian authorities. Strangely enough, the greatest girl band song of all time is the Go-Go's "Our Lips Are Sealed." I am not mentioning this because I think it is relevant, in case you were wondering.
Mr. Pavlensky was unavailable for interview because the Russian authorities tossed him into jail for "hooliganism" for fifteen days for attaching himself to Red Square without a permit, so I will have to advise the prospective scrotum-nailers among you without benefit of his counsel.
"Dude," I can hear you saying, "you're not nailing your scrotum anywhere. What gives you the right to advise other people on this fascinating hobby?"
It is true I would not nail my scrotum to anything, even including Scarlett Johansson's semi-naked body, but that doesn't mean that the advice that follows is not useful even though it is entirely theoretical.
The truth is that people who are on fire to nail their scrotums onto public thoroughfares seldom stop to examine the mechanics of the act. They just jump onto the street, drop their pants, grimace and start asking passers-by if they can borrow a nail. Or a nail gun.
While the nail gun isn't a bad idea in the sense that one gets over the pain of the nailing quickly, like thinking that the best way to jump into cold water is all at once, consider that after your protest is over, you're going to want to grab some lunch while you bleed into your BVD's. This means you need to remove the nail, which the gun may have attached quite deeply into the surface of wherever you have decided to nail yourself. It could be well past happy hour before you work yourself free.
No, the best way is the old-fashioned way. Use a hammer and a nail. Just choose your tools carefully. A cement nail sounds like a good idea, because of its concrete-piercing properties, but it is not. Likewise, a slim finishing nail will cause less pain when piercing the scrotal tissue, but the tiny head is easily missed, and if you miss the nail in this case, the hammer is going to fall on something a lot more sensitive to impact than your thumb. Use a nail with the widest possible head and the thinnest shaft. A few moments of study spent at the nail bins at your local hardware store will pay big dividends later.
Likewise the hammer. A long-handled carpenter's hammer is not necessary. You're not going to be able to step back and take a big swing at the target anyway, even if you're dumb enough to think that's a good idea. Get a hammer with a big head and a good grip and you'll achieve your aim of being firmly attached to Mother Earth by a bit more than gravity in a couple of teeth-gritting taps.
Also, consider how your personal appearance will affect possible sympathizers while you protest away. No one wants to look at some fat guy who's nailed his huevos to the ground. Look at yourself in the mirror objectively. If a few weeks of diet and exercise would make you more photogenic in the inevitable Huffpost slideshow that will follow your performance, get to it.
Even if your pics are just for personal use, remember the camera adds pounds. When your friends are falling asleep while you are displaying your snaps from your Hawaiian vacation and narrating them like so: "Here's us at Diamond Head. And here's us at Pearl Harbor. And here's us on the beach. AND HERE'S ME WITH MY SCROTUM NAILED TO THE SIDEWALK ON KALAKAUA AVENUE TO PROTEST THE DRINK PRICES AT THE HOTEL BAR you want your friends to cringe in horror thinking how unjust those drink prices must have been, not how you much you must have paid for enough sunscreen to cover your love handles.
And if you protest that dieting and exercising are just too difficult, you aren't made out of the stuff that guys who nail their scrotums to the sidewalks are, anyway.
Hey, any chips left in that bag?
Pavlensky, who makes a habit of injuring himself in the name of freedom, also sewed his lips together last year to protest the imprisonment of the girl band with the greatest girl band name of all time, Pussy Riot, by the Russian authorities. Strangely enough, the greatest girl band song of all time is the Go-Go's "Our Lips Are Sealed." I am not mentioning this because I think it is relevant, in case you were wondering.
Mr. Pavlensky was unavailable for interview because the Russian authorities tossed him into jail for "hooliganism" for fifteen days for attaching himself to Red Square without a permit, so I will have to advise the prospective scrotum-nailers among you without benefit of his counsel.
"Dude," I can hear you saying, "you're not nailing your scrotum anywhere. What gives you the right to advise other people on this fascinating hobby?"
It is true I would not nail my scrotum to anything, even including Scarlett Johansson's semi-naked body, but that doesn't mean that the advice that follows is not useful even though it is entirely theoretical.
The truth is that people who are on fire to nail their scrotums onto public thoroughfares seldom stop to examine the mechanics of the act. They just jump onto the street, drop their pants, grimace and start asking passers-by if they can borrow a nail. Or a nail gun.
While the nail gun isn't a bad idea in the sense that one gets over the pain of the nailing quickly, like thinking that the best way to jump into cold water is all at once, consider that after your protest is over, you're going to want to grab some lunch while you bleed into your BVD's. This means you need to remove the nail, which the gun may have attached quite deeply into the surface of wherever you have decided to nail yourself. It could be well past happy hour before you work yourself free.
No, the best way is the old-fashioned way. Use a hammer and a nail. Just choose your tools carefully. A cement nail sounds like a good idea, because of its concrete-piercing properties, but it is not. Likewise, a slim finishing nail will cause less pain when piercing the scrotal tissue, but the tiny head is easily missed, and if you miss the nail in this case, the hammer is going to fall on something a lot more sensitive to impact than your thumb. Use a nail with the widest possible head and the thinnest shaft. A few moments of study spent at the nail bins at your local hardware store will pay big dividends later.
Likewise the hammer. A long-handled carpenter's hammer is not necessary. You're not going to be able to step back and take a big swing at the target anyway, even if you're dumb enough to think that's a good idea. Get a hammer with a big head and a good grip and you'll achieve your aim of being firmly attached to Mother Earth by a bit more than gravity in a couple of teeth-gritting taps.
Also, consider how your personal appearance will affect possible sympathizers while you protest away. No one wants to look at some fat guy who's nailed his huevos to the ground. Look at yourself in the mirror objectively. If a few weeks of diet and exercise would make you more photogenic in the inevitable Huffpost slideshow that will follow your performance, get to it.
Even if your pics are just for personal use, remember the camera adds pounds. When your friends are falling asleep while you are displaying your snaps from your Hawaiian vacation and narrating them like so: "Here's us at Diamond Head. And here's us at Pearl Harbor. And here's us on the beach. AND HERE'S ME WITH MY SCROTUM NAILED TO THE SIDEWALK ON KALAKAUA AVENUE TO PROTEST THE DRINK PRICES AT THE HOTEL BAR you want your friends to cringe in horror thinking how unjust those drink prices must have been, not how you much you must have paid for enough sunscreen to cover your love handles.
And if you protest that dieting and exercising are just too difficult, you aren't made out of the stuff that guys who nail their scrotums to the sidewalks are, anyway.
Hey, any chips left in that bag?
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