Special Guest Post by Author Sibling Matt Cahill
Dollar Store Camouflage Jesus Recently some folks showed up at my house to convert me to Christianity. While I was raised in the full splendor of the nunnery and pedophilia of the One True Church, I kicked that to the curb long ago. But I invited them in to hear their pitch. The nature of the message involved a great deal of valuable Jesus info and it got me to thinking about what His life was like.
First, it must have been super comfortable. Robes and sandals 24/7. Warm weather. The ability to pull loaves and fishes out of your ass is an awesome party trick. There is no real evidence to prove the walking on the water bit but damn, that would be cool.
It’s unlikely Jesus was white, just from a geographical perspective, which is good, because nonwhite people tend to bring the best weed. Which means you need some extra loaves and fishes.
Apparently, his girlfriend was a total ho but he dug her anyway. In my Catholic grade school, they would always pick the hottest girl to play her in The Passion Play.
Not sure what Jesus did for recreation but I’m guessing beach volleyball. You don’t get abs like that without regular exercise. Also, not sure of what the waves are like in the Sea of Galilee, but I’m certain he could drop in and get pitted with the best of them.
He had twelve bros to roll with. A solid crew, except for that Judas mother-fucker who sold Him out to the Man. They all ate on the same side of the table if the painting is accurate. But His posse, like most, scattered when their boy got in trouble with the po-po, saying “Dude, if things weren’t so crazy for me right now, I’d go home, grab a hammer and pry you off that cross, but the kids and all…”
So Jesus was dead for a while but rose. Apparently, bee-lined for his dad’s house, which is in a super nice neighborhood. He makes noises about coming back, but I’m not holding my breath.
First, it must have been super comfortable. Robes and sandals 24/7. Warm weather. The ability to pull loaves and fishes out of your ass is an awesome party trick. There is no real evidence to prove the walking on the water bit but damn, that would be cool.
It’s unlikely Jesus was white, just from a geographical perspective, which is good, because nonwhite people tend to bring the best weed. Which means you need some extra loaves and fishes.
Apparently, his girlfriend was a total ho but he dug her anyway. In my Catholic grade school, they would always pick the hottest girl to play her in The Passion Play.
Not sure what Jesus did for recreation but I’m guessing beach volleyball. You don’t get abs like that without regular exercise. Also, not sure of what the waves are like in the Sea of Galilee, but I’m certain he could drop in and get pitted with the best of them.
He had twelve bros to roll with. A solid crew, except for that Judas mother-fucker who sold Him out to the Man. They all ate on the same side of the table if the painting is accurate. But His posse, like most, scattered when their boy got in trouble with the po-po, saying “Dude, if things weren’t so crazy for me right now, I’d go home, grab a hammer and pry you off that cross, but the kids and all…”
So Jesus was dead for a while but rose. Apparently, bee-lined for his dad’s house, which is in a super nice neighborhood. He makes noises about coming back, but I’m not holding my breath.
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