Guess what major East Coast city lies between Baltimore and New York? You're not going to get a clue from the signs on I-95. The destruction of a hitchhiking robot from Canada on the midnight streets of Philadelphia has so far not caused the cancellation of the Papal visit to that city later this year.
The robot was not wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey at the time of its trashing, which all reasonable Philadelphians would agree would have been just cause for its destruction.
The robot had hitchhiked unmolested through Canada and parts of Europe before it met its untimely end in the City of Brotherly Love. Apparently local hatred for outside robots does not burn as brightly in these corners of the world as it does in Philly.
Philadelphians have long been noted for their seething resentments and hostility. The fact that they boo Santa Claus and cheer life-threatening injuries on their sports fields has been well-documented. The city's four major league sports teams, chronic cellar-dwellers all, are a major source of its discontent, but there are others. Philly is not one of those cities like Boston, San Francisco or Austin where the inhabitants feel that they are better human beings than most just because they have their mail delivered there. Quite the opposite. Philadelphians know they live in the worst big city in the country apart from Cleveland, a place ignored by reality TV and the Interstate Highway system alike. A TV program called Buying Philadelphia would last about two episodes on the Real Estate Channel, and while the mileage signs on I-95 will cheerfully tell you how far you are from New York as soon as you get past the Miami suburbs, Philadelphia is not noted by them until you almost get to Wilmington. That's Delaware, not North Carolina.
Philadelphia's greatest achievement was the founding of our nation there in 1776. This was a high point from which the city never recovered. As soon as we had a Constitution, the federal government schlepped on out of there, never to return, leaving only Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell behind, to be honored by an endless parade of sniffling local schoolchildren on field trips.
Because of its history, Philly is on track to be named a World Heritage City, like Paris and Barcelona. This signal honor should make Philadelphians swell with civic pride, but they will probably just point out cynically that Aleppo, Syria is also a World Heritage city. Most Philadelphians would gladly give up the World Heritage spot to any city that would assume Ryan Howard's contract.
Why is the Pope coming to Philly, anyway, instead of some city that shines brighter in the eyes of the world and itself? I can only think it is because there are a crap-ton of Catholics there. When I was a young Catholic Philadelphian, we were barely aware that there were other kinds of people. Sure, there were some, but we outnumbered them by far, hard-sexing, non-birth-control utilizing Catholic parents having provided some of the most powerful fissile material in the population explosion, aka the Baby Boom. Everyone had between seven and twelve or so Catholic children. We all went to Catholic school. Non-Catholics went to public school, so we referred to those kids by the handy expression "publics."
There are still a lot of Catholics there, though not nearly so many as back then, many of us having taken a long look at Catholic doctrine when we reached the age of reason and said to ourselves "You've got to be kidding me." Others abandoned the Church rather than have their children groped by an unfortunate abundance of bad priests getting their mortal sin on in the privacy of the confessional.
Still, they are expecting about a million people to show up for the Pope's mass in Philly. Already non-Catholics are complaining about security measures so draconian that most Philadelphians will find it infinitely more convenient to just leave town when the Pope arrives. Catholics are thinking to themselves that these people are just a bunch of whiny publics.
These security measures also mean the Pope will probably fare better in Philly than the hitchBOT did. As long as he wears one of his regular Pope hats instead of a Mets cap, that is.
The robot was not wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey at the time of its trashing, which all reasonable Philadelphians would agree would have been just cause for its destruction.
The robot had hitchhiked unmolested through Canada and parts of Europe before it met its untimely end in the City of Brotherly Love. Apparently local hatred for outside robots does not burn as brightly in these corners of the world as it does in Philly.
Philadelphians have long been noted for their seething resentments and hostility. The fact that they boo Santa Claus and cheer life-threatening injuries on their sports fields has been well-documented. The city's four major league sports teams, chronic cellar-dwellers all, are a major source of its discontent, but there are others. Philly is not one of those cities like Boston, San Francisco or Austin where the inhabitants feel that they are better human beings than most just because they have their mail delivered there. Quite the opposite. Philadelphians know they live in the worst big city in the country apart from Cleveland, a place ignored by reality TV and the Interstate Highway system alike. A TV program called Buying Philadelphia would last about two episodes on the Real Estate Channel, and while the mileage signs on I-95 will cheerfully tell you how far you are from New York as soon as you get past the Miami suburbs, Philadelphia is not noted by them until you almost get to Wilmington. That's Delaware, not North Carolina.
Philadelphia's greatest achievement was the founding of our nation there in 1776. This was a high point from which the city never recovered. As soon as we had a Constitution, the federal government schlepped on out of there, never to return, leaving only Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell behind, to be honored by an endless parade of sniffling local schoolchildren on field trips.
Because of its history, Philly is on track to be named a World Heritage City, like Paris and Barcelona. This signal honor should make Philadelphians swell with civic pride, but they will probably just point out cynically that Aleppo, Syria is also a World Heritage city. Most Philadelphians would gladly give up the World Heritage spot to any city that would assume Ryan Howard's contract.
Why is the Pope coming to Philly, anyway, instead of some city that shines brighter in the eyes of the world and itself? I can only think it is because there are a crap-ton of Catholics there. When I was a young Catholic Philadelphian, we were barely aware that there were other kinds of people. Sure, there were some, but we outnumbered them by far, hard-sexing, non-birth-control utilizing Catholic parents having provided some of the most powerful fissile material in the population explosion, aka the Baby Boom. Everyone had between seven and twelve or so Catholic children. We all went to Catholic school. Non-Catholics went to public school, so we referred to those kids by the handy expression "publics."
There are still a lot of Catholics there, though not nearly so many as back then, many of us having taken a long look at Catholic doctrine when we reached the age of reason and said to ourselves "You've got to be kidding me." Others abandoned the Church rather than have their children groped by an unfortunate abundance of bad priests getting their mortal sin on in the privacy of the confessional.
Still, they are expecting about a million people to show up for the Pope's mass in Philly. Already non-Catholics are complaining about security measures so draconian that most Philadelphians will find it infinitely more convenient to just leave town when the Pope arrives. Catholics are thinking to themselves that these people are just a bunch of whiny publics.
These security measures also mean the Pope will probably fare better in Philly than the hitchBOT did. As long as he wears one of his regular Pope hats instead of a Mets cap, that is.
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