Gay potato parents raising Tator Tot. We're all doomed. While the pandemic still boils, the US struggles to put the lid on it with vaccines, and the halls of Congress are filled with the shouts of politicians trying to decide how much money we need to borrow from our future selves to prop up our current economy, Republicans have decided that the most important problem of the day is that the author of “Green Eggs and Ham,” has been canceled. Fox News followed the story for an entire day and blamed it directly on the current President, saying bluntly, “Biden Cancels Dr. Seuss.”
Oh, yeah, and “Mr. Potato Head” was canceled, too. I’m old enough to remember when Mr. Potato Head was just a random assortment of feet, lips and ears. You had to provide your own actual potato to make Mr. Potato Head, and you could stick his features on him randomly. You could put his lips on top of his head, his eyes on each side, and give him four or five plastic feet, in essence creating Mr. Potato Alien Monster. You could then take your grubby child hands and walk him across the floor in various imaginary scenarios in which he was trying to conquer the Earth in the name of the Potato Planet, opposed only by your assortment of plastic soldiers, losing interest in the game just in time for your mom to take Mr. Potato Head back and mash him into your dinner.
When Mr. Potato Head was transformed by the addition of a plastic potato with pre-punched holes in it for the placement of his features, I was far too old to play Potato Head any more. For which I am grateful.
But Mr. Potato Head has been canceled, Republicans complain, because he is no longer Mr. Potato Head, happily joined in hetero conjugality with Mrs. Potato Head. He/she is now just Potato Head, which Republicans worry that kids will use to make Transgendered Potato Head, who will promptly try to use their bathrooms.
The same for Dr. Seuss, who has not been canceled at all, no matter how much Tucker Carlson has bemoaned it on his show, let alone by Joe Biden. Biden has better things to do, working hard fixing things that the ex-Caucasian-in-Chief has destroyed, like the United States, at an age so advanced that, if I reach it one day, I just fantasize my doctor will still let me drink beer. Biden just didn’t mention Seuss on National Reading Day. Do you remember what Trump did to celebrate National Reading Day? Me, neither, but I bet reading wasn’t it.
Seuss’s descendants are in the enviable position of never having to work at all, thanks to having an ancestor whose books generate hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for them, a thing my ancestors never bothered to do. I am still bitter about that. It was they that decided not to let six of the good Doctor’s books be published anymore. These six tomes contained white supremacist imagery, these woke benefactors decided, and they could get by with the money they made off the rest of the Seuss canon. They canceled themselves.
Now, Seuss was born in 1904, and every white US person born in 1904 was raised as a white supremacist. This is a fact. Some of them got over it, but most of them didn’t. Seuss made the wise decision to be dead instead of living to 117, so whether he did or not is now between him and God.
Who, for all we know, may be an all-powerful Potato Head. He acts like it, sometimes.
Oh, yeah, and “Mr. Potato Head” was canceled, too. I’m old enough to remember when Mr. Potato Head was just a random assortment of feet, lips and ears. You had to provide your own actual potato to make Mr. Potato Head, and you could stick his features on him randomly. You could put his lips on top of his head, his eyes on each side, and give him four or five plastic feet, in essence creating Mr. Potato Alien Monster. You could then take your grubby child hands and walk him across the floor in various imaginary scenarios in which he was trying to conquer the Earth in the name of the Potato Planet, opposed only by your assortment of plastic soldiers, losing interest in the game just in time for your mom to take Mr. Potato Head back and mash him into your dinner.
When Mr. Potato Head was transformed by the addition of a plastic potato with pre-punched holes in it for the placement of his features, I was far too old to play Potato Head any more. For which I am grateful.
But Mr. Potato Head has been canceled, Republicans complain, because he is no longer Mr. Potato Head, happily joined in hetero conjugality with Mrs. Potato Head. He/she is now just Potato Head, which Republicans worry that kids will use to make Transgendered Potato Head, who will promptly try to use their bathrooms.
The same for Dr. Seuss, who has not been canceled at all, no matter how much Tucker Carlson has bemoaned it on his show, let alone by Joe Biden. Biden has better things to do, working hard fixing things that the ex-Caucasian-in-Chief has destroyed, like the United States, at an age so advanced that, if I reach it one day, I just fantasize my doctor will still let me drink beer. Biden just didn’t mention Seuss on National Reading Day. Do you remember what Trump did to celebrate National Reading Day? Me, neither, but I bet reading wasn’t it.
Seuss’s descendants are in the enviable position of never having to work at all, thanks to having an ancestor whose books generate hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for them, a thing my ancestors never bothered to do. I am still bitter about that. It was they that decided not to let six of the good Doctor’s books be published anymore. These six tomes contained white supremacist imagery, these woke benefactors decided, and they could get by with the money they made off the rest of the Seuss canon. They canceled themselves.
Now, Seuss was born in 1904, and every white US person born in 1904 was raised as a white supremacist. This is a fact. Some of them got over it, but most of them didn’t. Seuss made the wise decision to be dead instead of living to 117, so whether he did or not is now between him and God.
Who, for all we know, may be an all-powerful Potato Head. He acts like it, sometimes.
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