The 5,197th most dangerous day in US history Wayne LaPierre, the head honcho of the National Rifle Association, has proclaimed the last two years of the Obama Administration "the most dangerous 700 days America has ever faced."
Why a lame duck President, sworn to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, with both houses of Congress controlled by the opposition party in case he changes his mind, would constitute an existential threat to the existence of the nation above all others is not something Wayne cares to be specific about. In the face of this alleged threat, however, he does not urge his fellow members of the NRA to build ammunition dumps in the woods, or dig gun-smuggling tunnels to each others basements, or even to buy gas masks and crates of ammo. No, the only way to keep the nation intact is to—and this is an exact quote from the man—"renew or upgrade your NRA membership now."
I caught up to Wayne via his celly and had a few questions for him.
I'm not going to argue about these upcoming two years being the most dangerous for America in its history, Wayne, but....
"Good. Because they are. I'm about to have lunch with a thousand people who agree with me. That's how I defend the rights of all Americans, by having lunch. You do it by paying your NRA dues."
But America has faced other dangerous days before, Wayne, with and without the NRA. What about the Revolutionary War? If America hadn't survived those 3075 days, it wouldn't even have become a nation.
"True. I shudder to think. We wouldn't even have a Second Amendment if we hadn't made it through those dangerous days. I'm going to say they were the 701st to the 3,775th most dangerous days America has ever faced. The NRA didn't exist then..."
Sure, it would have been the National Musket Association back then. The NMA.
"But if we had, I'm sure people would have been much happier paying their NRA dues than tea taxes to rotten old England."
Then there was the Civil War, which threatened to tear the nation apart. That lasted 1,406 days.
"The 3,776th to the 5,182nd most dangerous days America has ever faced. With a bullet!"
No NRA then, either.
"Speaking of bullets, which I always love to do, the NRA dodged one by not existing in the 1860's. We probably would have stayed neutral in the Civil War. I mean, brother fought against brother, but at least NRA member didn't fight against NRA member. That would have been a real tragedy."
Turning to a time within living memory, what about the Cuban missile crisis? That lasted thirteen days and not only threatened the existence of America, but the whole world.
"Dangerous days number 5,183 through 5,196. No doubt about it. We only survived it because NRA members were all paid up on their dues. One look at our books convinced the Soviets they could only have our thermonuclear weapons if they pried them from our cold, dead fingers."
How about single days instead of whole wars or crisis? Say, December 7th, 1941? Pearl Harbor?
"Number 5,197. It's true the Japanese attacked Hawaii, but it wasn't a state or even a well-known resort back then. You notice they didn't attack Los Angeles? They knew the mainland was sturdily defended not only by the US military, but by thousands who knew the best way to keep the US strong was not to go into arrears on their NRA memberships."
What about 9-11?
"We dues-paying NRA members acknowledge it was the 5,198th most dangerous day in US history. Did the terrorists know that NRA members had an unusually high number of bounced checks and declined debit cards that month, and chose to attack when the we were weak? It could very well be. We'll never know for sure until we kill Bin Laden and decipher Al Qaeda's secret records."
Um...we already did that, Wayne.
"Yes, I remember that now. When the Obama quits hiding the NRA's part in winning the war on terror in the CIA's secret archives is what I meant to say. The man just can't be trusted. Now, how about coughing up those dues?"
Not right now, Wayne. I need my money for lunch.
Why a lame duck President, sworn to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, with both houses of Congress controlled by the opposition party in case he changes his mind, would constitute an existential threat to the existence of the nation above all others is not something Wayne cares to be specific about. In the face of this alleged threat, however, he does not urge his fellow members of the NRA to build ammunition dumps in the woods, or dig gun-smuggling tunnels to each others basements, or even to buy gas masks and crates of ammo. No, the only way to keep the nation intact is to—and this is an exact quote from the man—"renew or upgrade your NRA membership now."
I caught up to Wayne via his celly and had a few questions for him.
I'm not going to argue about these upcoming two years being the most dangerous for America in its history, Wayne, but....
"Good. Because they are. I'm about to have lunch with a thousand people who agree with me. That's how I defend the rights of all Americans, by having lunch. You do it by paying your NRA dues."
But America has faced other dangerous days before, Wayne, with and without the NRA. What about the Revolutionary War? If America hadn't survived those 3075 days, it wouldn't even have become a nation.
"True. I shudder to think. We wouldn't even have a Second Amendment if we hadn't made it through those dangerous days. I'm going to say they were the 701st to the 3,775th most dangerous days America has ever faced. The NRA didn't exist then..."
Sure, it would have been the National Musket Association back then. The NMA.
"But if we had, I'm sure people would have been much happier paying their NRA dues than tea taxes to rotten old England."
Then there was the Civil War, which threatened to tear the nation apart. That lasted 1,406 days.
"The 3,776th to the 5,182nd most dangerous days America has ever faced. With a bullet!"
No NRA then, either.
"Speaking of bullets, which I always love to do, the NRA dodged one by not existing in the 1860's. We probably would have stayed neutral in the Civil War. I mean, brother fought against brother, but at least NRA member didn't fight against NRA member. That would have been a real tragedy."
Turning to a time within living memory, what about the Cuban missile crisis? That lasted thirteen days and not only threatened the existence of America, but the whole world.
"Dangerous days number 5,183 through 5,196. No doubt about it. We only survived it because NRA members were all paid up on their dues. One look at our books convinced the Soviets they could only have our thermonuclear weapons if they pried them from our cold, dead fingers."
How about single days instead of whole wars or crisis? Say, December 7th, 1941? Pearl Harbor?
"Number 5,197. It's true the Japanese attacked Hawaii, but it wasn't a state or even a well-known resort back then. You notice they didn't attack Los Angeles? They knew the mainland was sturdily defended not only by the US military, but by thousands who knew the best way to keep the US strong was not to go into arrears on their NRA memberships."
What about 9-11?
"We dues-paying NRA members acknowledge it was the 5,198th most dangerous day in US history. Did the terrorists know that NRA members had an unusually high number of bounced checks and declined debit cards that month, and chose to attack when the we were weak? It could very well be. We'll never know for sure until we kill Bin Laden and decipher Al Qaeda's secret records."
Um...we already did that, Wayne.
"Yes, I remember that now. When the Obama quits hiding the NRA's part in winning the war on terror in the CIA's secret archives is what I meant to say. The man just can't be trusted. Now, how about coughing up those dues?"
Not right now, Wayne. I need my money for lunch.
RSS Feed
