To see how staggering this development is, let us briefly review the history of the Mormon Church. It was founded by Joseph Smith, an already convicted con man, who claimed that he was directed by an angel to find buried golden plates, which he translated by means of magical “seeing stones” into the Book of Mormon, the most turgid and unreadable holy book ever inked. And that's going up against some tough competition.
Later, he claimed to have lost both the golden plates and the seeing stones. “Dammit,” Smith said at the time, “I wish I’d never had that garage sale.”
Despite it being an obvious hoax, the new religion attracted followers immediately, possibly because it encouraged men to marry as many teenage brides as they wanted, so a legion of nineteenth century child molesters followed in Smith’s footsteps. Smith married so many himself that he lost count. But these were all heterosexual unions—Smith never advocated sex with young boys, possibly out of professional courtesy to the Catholic Church, which at the time had a religious monopoly on that practice.
Smith eventually was beaten to death by a mob of people, at least some of whom were pissed at him screwing their little daughters, a fate that many people who claim that God communicates with them suffer, even if they refrain from child molestation—look at Jesus and His martyrs. Only Muhammed among them managed to have a natural death, if you can call riding off to Heaven on a flying horse natural.
But the Church of the Latter-Day Saints lived on. Its theology was also calculated to appeal to the raw dude in all men—Mormons believe that as bros advance in the afterlife, they are eventually given whole planets to rule over, like Gods themselves, while their multiple wives wait patiently at home, making soup and knitting blankets.
Google it if you don’t believe me.
So, the Mormon powers-that-be are currently against the gays being successful Mormons because in the afterlife, they would be ruling over whole gay planets. Tasteful, artfully constructed planets in gentrified sections of the galaxy, planets ruled by gay gods who would just say, “Oh, my. How recherche!” to the rugged, manly planets ruled over by other Mormons, making them feel uncomfortably stupid and looked-down upon. Can’t have that.
But there’s hope for gay Mormons yet, because the leadership of their Church is subject to receiving revelations from on high. Coincidentally, these revelations always come at politically correct times—when the Church wanted to have their own state, for example, the high-up Mormons suddenly realized that polygamy was no longer cool with God, making Utah possible. Likewise, in the early days Mormons didn’t let black guys in their church, but in the late sixties, when blatant racism was becoming a faux pas, the elders suddenly got a revelation that brothers could join up after all.
So, by this time, there should be black Mormon planets up there, chill, soulful planets vibrating with bass beats so loud you can feel them, like carefully restored hoopties low-riding along their galactic glide paths.
When homophobia gets to be completely uncool, the Mormons at the pinnacle of their church will no doubt get a revelation from their Almighty that it’s okay to let gay BYU kids hold hands on campus.
He’s flexible like that.