The big news on the 2016 Presidential front is that Mitt Romney is once again considering a run for the Oval Office. I looked up Joe Redstate as soon as I heard. He was still sitting at the airport bar at Des Moines International, his home between Presidential campaigns.
Joe, is this true? Is the Mittster going to take another shot at the brass ring?
"Yes, and deservedly so. Upon close examination, we Republicans have come to the conclusion that Mitt Romney ran a perfect campaign in 2012. He did everything right, except for getting enough votes to win."
But that's fairly important, Joe.
"Yeah, well, there is that. But who else do we have? Jeb Bush? His best campaign promise so far is 'I'll be a better President than my brother."
Look on the bright side. It's an easy promise to keep.
"True, but it's less than inspiring. Chris Christie looked good until that bridge thing. Then, when he was coming back from that, he had to remind everybody that he was that smug fat kid in the schoolyard who didn't root for the home team, but chose the Dallas Cowboys instead because they won all the time, thus losing the votes of Eagles and Giants fans all over New York, New Jersey and PA. And we were going to win Texas anyway.
Too bad. There's still Rand Paul.
"We're just waiting for the poop to hit the blower on him. We know that somewhere out there, there's got to be a video of Rand getting his hair weave tightened. It'll be his 47% moment. No, the early money is on Mitt. The big contributors are lining up. We even revamped his campaign song for '16."
Really? How's it go?
Joe let out an embarrassed cough. "It's a first draft, you understand."
I understand, Joe. Go ahead, sing it.
Joe whipped out a guitar from under the bar and accompanied himself by strumming the chords to "Puff the Magic Dragon" as he sang:
"I'm Mitt the Magic Mormon, I'm magical you see
Just nominate me one more time, and President I'll be!
The Dems they had their black guy, and now they want a she!
I'm pale and male and I'll kick tail, the White House is for me!
"Forget the other Repubs, they lack my handsome mug
Scott Walker is a cheesehead, and Perry is on drugs!
Jeb Bush is a loser, and Chris Christie's a thug
Ted Cruz was born in Canada, and Rand Paul wears a rug!
"Foreigners not my forte, but tough's the way I punch,
Don't ask me how I'll do it, but Isis'll be my lunch!
That caliphate is on my plate, and so is Putin, too,
I'll fix Syria by sundown, and Iran I plan to screw!
"The economy's not broken, but I'll make it better still,
With big tax breaks for rich white guys, and you'll pick up the bill!
Sweetheart deals for Wall Street from my buddies on the Hill
Want to keep your crappy job? My advice to you is CHILL!
"I'm Mitt the Magic Mormon, I'm magical you see
Just nominate me one more time, and President I'll be!
The Dems they had their black guy, and now they want a she!
I'm pale and male and I'll kick tail, THE WHITE HOUSE IS FOR MEEEE!"
For the original "Mitt the Magic Mormon," click here
Joe, is this true? Is the Mittster going to take another shot at the brass ring?
"Yes, and deservedly so. Upon close examination, we Republicans have come to the conclusion that Mitt Romney ran a perfect campaign in 2012. He did everything right, except for getting enough votes to win."
But that's fairly important, Joe.
"Yeah, well, there is that. But who else do we have? Jeb Bush? His best campaign promise so far is 'I'll be a better President than my brother."
Look on the bright side. It's an easy promise to keep.
"True, but it's less than inspiring. Chris Christie looked good until that bridge thing. Then, when he was coming back from that, he had to remind everybody that he was that smug fat kid in the schoolyard who didn't root for the home team, but chose the Dallas Cowboys instead because they won all the time, thus losing the votes of Eagles and Giants fans all over New York, New Jersey and PA. And we were going to win Texas anyway.
Too bad. There's still Rand Paul.
"We're just waiting for the poop to hit the blower on him. We know that somewhere out there, there's got to be a video of Rand getting his hair weave tightened. It'll be his 47% moment. No, the early money is on Mitt. The big contributors are lining up. We even revamped his campaign song for '16."
Really? How's it go?
Joe let out an embarrassed cough. "It's a first draft, you understand."
I understand, Joe. Go ahead, sing it.
Joe whipped out a guitar from under the bar and accompanied himself by strumming the chords to "Puff the Magic Dragon" as he sang:
"I'm Mitt the Magic Mormon, I'm magical you see
Just nominate me one more time, and President I'll be!
The Dems they had their black guy, and now they want a she!
I'm pale and male and I'll kick tail, the White House is for me!
"Forget the other Repubs, they lack my handsome mug
Scott Walker is a cheesehead, and Perry is on drugs!
Jeb Bush is a loser, and Chris Christie's a thug
Ted Cruz was born in Canada, and Rand Paul wears a rug!
"Foreigners not my forte, but tough's the way I punch,
Don't ask me how I'll do it, but Isis'll be my lunch!
That caliphate is on my plate, and so is Putin, too,
I'll fix Syria by sundown, and Iran I plan to screw!
"The economy's not broken, but I'll make it better still,
With big tax breaks for rich white guys, and you'll pick up the bill!
Sweetheart deals for Wall Street from my buddies on the Hill
Want to keep your crappy job? My advice to you is CHILL!
"I'm Mitt the Magic Mormon, I'm magical you see
Just nominate me one more time, and President I'll be!
The Dems they had their black guy, and now they want a she!
I'm pale and male and I'll kick tail, THE WHITE HOUSE IS FOR MEEEE!"
For the original "Mitt the Magic Mormon," click here
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