“America is not sending us the right kind of people,” Nieto responded when questioned about the project. “Spring breakers that drink a bottle of tequila by nine in the morning and then huck chow all over Cozumel. Crusty old expats who can live here for twenty years without learning a word of Spanish. Honeymooners screwing on our white sand beaches. We want to keep all of them out.”
“The Mexican people are all in favor of this, particularly Mexicans who have to deal with Americans. They’re sick of gringos standing at reception desks pantomiming requests for coffee and towels. Mariachi bands are fed up with playing “La Bamba” at restaurant tables because that’s the only song in Spanish that most Americans know.
“But don’t worry about the aesthetics of the wall. It will not be some ugly poured concrete thing with masses of barbed wire attached. We will make it out of our famous Mexican tile, the same kind we put in our hotel bathrooms, where just a little overspray from the shower makes it slipperier than Julian Assange. We’re just trying to injure hungover tourists there, but tiling the Mexican Wall will make impossible to climb over, especially after it rains. And Americans won’t be able to tunnel under it, because Mexicans already do all the jobs in your country that involve knowing which end of a shovel to hold.”
When asked if Mexico could afford the wall, Nieto replied, “Hell, we’re not going to pay for it. Paying for your own wall is so East Berlin. The United States will pay for it, naturally. That way you won’t have to build Trump’s. We don’t expect any complaining about you guys covering the tab, either. Or else we cut off your supply of Coronas and crystal meth.”