Identifying Muslims that are trying to get into America should be easy enough. They have funny names and wear funny clothes. “Well, so does Lady Gaga,” you might reply. Fine. Ban her, too. Katy Perry will be grateful.
Seriously, it’s easy to mix up other religions from that end of the world with Muslims. Many people do when they commit hate crimes. “Oooh,” they say, as they slap themselves on the forehead. “I accidentally burned down a Sikh’s convenience store.”
I am just making this up, of course. People who burn down convenience stores are not the type of individuals who have second thoughts. “What’s the dif?” they just say to themselves, as they fill up another five-gallon gas can and buy some more long-handled matches.
The answer is, not much. Foreigners worthy of having their property incinerated all wear turbans or some sort of fiber headdresses. To keep from being identified as Muslim, all they need to do is wear baseball caps. Preferably red ones that say “Let’s Make America Great Again.”
Wait a second, you say. There’s a loophole wide enough to drive a semi full of C-4 through. What’s to keep radical Islamodudes from just doffing their Mohammed-style noggin wear and buying baseball caps to disguise their true identity?
I don’t know. I’m not a detail guy. Competent management will figure it out. One thing I do know is that American has to coalesce around a single derogatory nickname for these guys, or risk losing the war on terrorism. The grab-bag of ethnic insults currently in vogue needs to be streamlined. We’ll never overcome the Caliphate if we persist in misidentifying the enemy variously as hajjis, towel-heads or camel jockeys. I propose Muzzies. Once we start calling every one of these threats to the nation a Muzzie, the war on terror will be halfway won.
What do you mean, you ask? During World War II, we variously referred to our enemy in the Pacific as Japs, Nips and slant-eyes, and we won that war just fine.
OK, point taken. But speaking of WW II, are we going to put all the Muzzies in camps like we did the Japs? Good idea! But not on American soil. Now that we are chill with Cuba again, I’m sure they won’t mind us expanding Guantanamo. Half their island ought to be plenty of room to intern every Islamicista we can find. Cogitate on that proposal and then try and tell me I can’t figure out international relations.
And don’t call me a racist. I have plenty of Muslim friends. Here is a sample of one of the friendly conversations I often have with Muslims here in Southern Cal:
Me: Twenty dollars on number six and five bucks on Super Lotto. (Hand over exact change)
Muslim: You got it, boss.
So don’t tell me I don’t have a deep understanding of the Islamic mind-set.
Speaking of mind sets, you know who's the most p-oed about the San Bernardino attack? That guy who shot up that Planned Parenthood clinic. He was the mass murderer flavor of the month for what? Four days? Hardly worth illegally converting your AR-15 to full automatic for.
I hear other people’s ideas to combat the Muslim menace and I just laugh. Since the Christmas party-pooper shooters may have met online, some hotheads have proposed to shut down radical Islamic dating sites. It’s true these connubial killers may have cooked up their plot after viewing each others profiles on MartyrMingle or Plenty O’ Burkas.com, and even as I type this, horny radicals may be searching the Web for soulmates and terror cell mates. But we can’t start censoring the Internet.
That would be unconstitutional.
PS. After I finished writing this, Trump called on Bill Gates to "close the Internet," so terrorists couldn't communicate with each other over it.
Silly Donald. Everybody knows Bill Gates didn't invent the Internet. Al Gore did.