Modeled after sanctuary city ordinances, which allow local police to refuse to cooperate with ICE, gun sanctuary laws say the local sheriff can refuse to enforce gun laws passed by the state government.
“About time,” said Sheriff Humble Bugtick of Chitlin County, in the far west of Virginia. “Guns don’t want to be regulated by some Dimcrats in Richmond. Like Mexican kids in cages, they want to be free, except that guns are legal and belong in this country.
“A gun has the right to be stuffed under the sofa cushions, or carried in a purse so that a toddler can grab it and put a bullet in his mom. Guns belong everywhere, especially the bedroom, where they can be grabbed in case of an intruder or used in role-playing during kinky sex which occasionally results in a gunshot wound.
“Kids shooting each other with guns they have found in tool boxes or on your favorite stump in the yard to plink beer cans off of is a rich Southern tradition, like mixing mint juleps or making black people wait in line for hours to vote.
“Having a gun nearby makes people here feel safer. Voters here don’t like the thought of regaining consciousness from a Jim Beam or an Oxy stupor and not being able to grab a gun and point it at whatever woke ‘em up.
“A man’s got a right to defend his home, tent, still or meth lab out here. And we don’t want no part of them red flag laws where you decide in advance that a gun owner is homicidal or suicidal and take away all his guns. So what if a guy wants to kill his whole family and then himself? The Bible teaches that the most of them unfortunate people are going to Heaven anyway, and it clears out a pew in church.
“Let guns be free. And by that, I mean, let them be freely traded at swap meets and sold proudly in liquor stores without all those troublesome background checks. Let them be open-carried into CVS and Walmart. And if them Dimcrats want to come out here and try and take them away, we’ll be waiting for them.”
With that, the Sheriff tapped his sidearm meaningfully, which caused it to accidentally discharge, with the bullet apparently hitting the official in the foot. “Criminey,” he said as he limped off. “Been meaning to start wearing that holster on the other side.”