A spokesperson for the Travis County Sheriff’s department said that conditions on Lake Travis, where the boat parade set out, were calm, with winds under 10 miles an hour and no storms in the area. She did not add, “You’d have to be a complete drunken bonehead to sink your boat under those circumstances,” but she could have. She merely said that the cause of the accident was “under investigation.”
My bet is they won’t need to investigate much, nor will they find that antifa-loving Democrats had mined Lake Travis. As someone who has spent as much time as I can and can afford on the open ocean in small craft, I will explain here exactly what happened.
A bunch of country club, boat-owning jerkholes gathered on the lake to show their support for the Jerkhole-in-Chief. And well they should, for the mission of this Administration is not something complicated. It is not about law and order, or keeping socialism at bay. It is to make certain that privileged white male peckerheads continue to get what they want out of living in America.
But there’s a pecking order among these insensitive oafs, because boats come in all different sizes. The biggest jerks have the biggest boats. Other dimwads have smaller boats. But that didn’t matter when they first set out. They are emotionally united under the Trump flag. And they are chugging brews, White Claws and rum coladas as fast as they can, for it is hot on Lake Travis on a Texas summer afternoon.
And, laughing wildly about Nancy Pelosi’s haircut all the way, they push their throttles forward as far as they’ll go, because they are not going to support Trump any less than boisterously, and no-wake zones are probably a Democratic invention, anyway.
There are simple rules about how much of a wake a boat kicks up. The bigger the boat, the bigger the wake. Also, the faster the boat, the bigger the wake. So, you have a couple of giant lake-yachts going as fast as they can, with the smaller boats trying to keep up. Pretty soon there is enough wake-action on the lake to make those Trumpsters in the little boats wish they’d popped some Dramamine before the parade. And, shortly after, enough foaming white water to start swamping those little boats.
Which is good, because once you start swimming for your life, you forget about how seasick you are, every time.
But the biggest assholes’ boats didn’t sink, just because they were the biggest. It’s the little boneheads that started pooping in their American flag shorts.
But it’s a sweet, if unintentional, metaphor for Election 2020. White-privileged America elected the biggest, most careless oaf in the country as President, and his re-election campaign is the biggest boat on the lake. Anyone who’s following him, I have some advice for you:
Put your life jacket on.