The petition continues:
"He is not only threatening the safety of our people but he is also a terrible influence on our nations youth. We the people would like to remove Justin Bieber from our society."
I urge both of my readers to sign this petition, as I already have. I haven't been this serious about a national movement since the petition for our nation to build its own Death Star went to the White House, although during the research for this column I discovered that there is also a petition to make the Miley Cyrus song "Party in the USA" the national anthem. I intend to sign that one as soon as I can find it.
Petitioning is part of the American way of life, as anyone who has ever tried to exit a grocery store or a Walmart knows, and the petition for getting rid of Bieber belongs on every rusty card table manned by every near-homeless petition-gatherer outside of every big-box store in America, because currently it is only an online petition.
Consider the offenses of Bieber. His recent arrest in Florida while drag-racing his half-million dollar sports car while well under the legal limit for getting a DUI is just the tip of the iceberg. He also has recently been accused of egging his neighbor's home in Calabasas, California, punching out paparazzi in Toronto and bringing an undocumented monkey into Germany. Although the last two don't really count as crimes here in the US, I don't think that anyone would disagree with me when I say both native-born and naturalized American paparazzi and monkeys deserve protection from the likes of Bieber.
What difference does it make? the liberals say. He's just a self-centered punk. The point is, he's taking work away from American citizens who are also self-centered punks. Our own surly teenagers, many of whom can't even afford to rent a Ferrari in which to take drugs and drag race, and have to borrow the family Camry in order to do so, are being kicked to the curb by Bieber and other migrant delinquents. While Congress ties itself up in knots over illegal immigration across our southern border, God only knows how many other Canadian teenage heart-throbs with hairstyles that look like a cartoon tsunami about to break across their foreheads are making their way south with eggs and monkeys clutched in their soft, white-as-snowballs hands.
It's true we need to protect hard-working Americans from the predations of illegal Latino immigrants, for national security reasons if nothing else. But we could go too far. It was just discovered recently that, here in Southern California, the last Anglo guy who actually knew how to operate a power blower died in 2012. Everybody knows that as California goes, so goes the nation. We face an epidemic of streets and sidewalks littered with leaf debris and palm fronds should we manage to deport all of the power blower talent in the country, putting ourselves in the embarrassing position of having to beg them to return.
But if we get rid of Bieber, only good things will follow. The callow criminals among our youth, currently wallowing in malaise because foreign-born Bieber has taken the national lead in minor sociopathic behavior, will perk up. No longer will they say to themselves, "Why bother egging the neighbor's mansion? Justin's already been there," or "Punch out that scrawny kid taking video? Why? He's probably still bruised from when Beiber lit him up," or "Break the speed limit while popping Xanax and smoking weed? Who cares? We'll probably never catch Justin anyway."
The responsible citizens of America will rest easier knowing that when engines get gunned and tires get screeched on the street where their children play, it's native American teen hoodlums abusing pot and pills threatening their progeny, not some prancing Canadian boy lust object.
And if you, like many other American males, youthful or not, criminal or law-abiding, with luxuriant high-rise hair or completely bald, are thinking about having sex with Justin's ex, Selena Gomez, your way just got a little easier.
Where do I sign up? is what you're suddenly thinking. It's here. Have a nice day, eh?