The campaign will have a web site that allows you to claim free swag if you welcome a stranger or forgive someone.
The reason the Son of Man and the King of Kings needs a PR campaign, according to Jon Lee, one of the PR men who proudly proclaim themselves Flacks for Jesus, is the behavior of His followers, who tend to want to kill abortionists, gays and occasionally Nancy Pelosi. Jesus, the re-branders claim, does not want His followers to do any of those things.
The campaign is going to culminate with a Super Bowl ad next February.
Fortunately for our readers, this column was privy to a strategy conference between a Flack for Jesus, hereafter abbreviated FFJ, and the Savior Himself.
FFJ: So, My Lord, we want to make this a real game-changer. Like, we’re going to get the whole guns, God, and America crowd to lay down their weapons and embrace the Gospel of love.
JESUS: Huh? I don’t mind those guys so much. I mean, they’ve got the heavily-armed sincerity thing going for them. And they know who they don’t want to bake cakes for.
FFJ: Let’s look at the big picture here. (Seems slightly self-conscious about talking to the Creator of the Universe about big pictures, but overcomes it) Judgement Day is on its way, and You don’t want to preside over an Eternal Kingdom of fat, angry diabetics.
JESUS: (Musing) I did say that I do not bring peace, but the sword. Of course, I had changed quite a bit of water into wine that day, and I was a little edgy that Mary Magdalene had missed her period, but, still, there is a Biblical foundation for the Church of the AR-15, sort of.
FFJ: But generally, You rolled peaceful. That’s the side of You we’re buffing up, here. The Super Bowl ad is going to cost us a fortune, but there’s no price we won’t pay to spread Your word.
JESUS: Does it really have to be the Super Bowl? I’m already sick of the Super Bowl. Bills and Eagles fans are annoying the Holy Crap out of me praying for their teams to be in it.
FFJ: (taking notes) So, it’s really going to be the Bills and the Eagles? Any insights into the point spread, oh My Lord?
JESUS: (Coldly) I don’t see where that has anything to do with this business.
FFJ: Right. So, I’m just spit balling here. What if You appear at halftime?
JESUS: When? Following Rihanna? Nobody wants to follow Rihanna. I don’t like it.
FFJ: Jesus, babe, if You descend from Heaven in a fiery cloud, and start the Rapture right before the second-half kickoff, nobody is going to give a shit about Rihanna…
JESUS: No, no, NO! I already appeared to an elderly couple in Scranton and promised them the Eagles would get the second-half kickoff. I don’t go back on My word. Besides, I already ix-nayed the Rapture. The current plan for Judgement Day is I come streaking into the view of the James Webb Space Telescope on board the Sweet Meteor of Doom, like Slim Pickens riding the bomb in Dr. Strangelove. The meteor will smush into Earth a week later and eliminate all life on the planet, except for cockroaches. Get it over with, is My motto.
FFJ: Wow, that’s really intense. Kind of makes what we’re doing here look insignificant.
JESUS: Does, doesn’t it? I hate to leave anyone cold, though. You want an introduction to Cockroach Jesus?