Eagles QB who did not win Super Bowl A small-town hotel room, late at night. TIM TEBOW, once a quarterback in the NFL, and now a journeyman minor league outfielder for the New York Mets, is looking for the hotel room Bible. Finding it in a drawer by the musty-smelling bed, he picks it up. He pulls a lighter from his pocket, but as he is about to ignite the Word of God, JESUS appears to him.
JESUS: Ix-nay on that, Timmy.
TIM TEBOW: My Lord! (hastily puts out flame that was starting to lick up the spine of the Bible with his fingers, burning himself)
JESUS: Your faith is being tested, Timmy. By what? (Tebow tries to speak, but Jesus interrupts him) Never mind, Timmy. It’s because the Eagles won the Super Bowl, right?
TIM TEBOW: Yes, My Lord. Wow, you do know everything. Why couldn’t the Eagles have won the Super Bowl when I was with them?
JESUS: You were cut in September, Timmy. The Super Bowl is in February.
TIM TEBOW: But You are All-Powerful, Oh Lord.
JESUS: True, Timmy, but even I would have had a tough time straightening out the Eagles secondary in '15. Plus, the o-line was undersized, and the coach thought that he was Me.
TIM TEBOW: But now I am forced to wander in the wilderness of minor-league baseball, enduring all sorts of wicked sliders and ungodly curveballs, which I cannot hit. And yet, when the Eagles won the Super Bowl, there were Nick Foles and Doug Pederson praising your name, and all of the rest of the organization, too, except for Jeff Lurie, because he’s a Jew.
JESUS: I’m a Jew, too, Timmy. Me, why do I have to keep reminding you people of that? All right, I did let the Eagles win the Super Bowl, because they were begging me to. My Father was against it. “Why make those asshole Philly fans happy for once?” were his exact words. And the Holy Ghost took the Pats and the points, so He’s pretty miffed, too. But the Eagles were beseeching the crap out of me, and I figured a free plug at the Super Bowl couldn’t hurt my brand, especially when Mountain Dew was paying 5 mil a pop and a hefty chunk of change to Morgan Freeman and Peter Dinklage as well.
TIM TEBOW: So, it was all about the publicity, oh My Savior?
JESUS: That, and to piss off all the atheists that were rooting for Philly. Imagine your team winning the Super Bowl and the first words out of the coach’s mouth are Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Music to my ears, but nothing ticks off the atheists more than athletes giving glory to Me. And it follows the Commandment that was edited out of the original Ten—“Thou shalt make life a shit-pie for the atheists whenever you can.”
TEBOW: That’s a good Commandment, oh My Redeemer, and I think I have always obeyed it, even in my days with the Broncos, when I would publicly pray on the sidelines after You had granted me another touchdown even though I threw the football like I was tossing a loaf of pumpernickel. You could just hear all the atheists muttering “Oh, Jesus.”
JESUS: And that’s the point, Timmy. When I can get those bastards saying My name, it’s a big-time affirmation. You might have noticed, I’m all about the glory.
TIM TEBOW: So, if I promise to praise You when they hand me the microphone after I get called up by the big league club in September and we win the World Series on my home run, you can make that happen?
JESUS: We’re talking the Mets here, Timmy. What do you expect, a miracle?
JESUS: Ix-nay on that, Timmy.
TIM TEBOW: My Lord! (hastily puts out flame that was starting to lick up the spine of the Bible with his fingers, burning himself)
JESUS: Your faith is being tested, Timmy. By what? (Tebow tries to speak, but Jesus interrupts him) Never mind, Timmy. It’s because the Eagles won the Super Bowl, right?
TIM TEBOW: Yes, My Lord. Wow, you do know everything. Why couldn’t the Eagles have won the Super Bowl when I was with them?
JESUS: You were cut in September, Timmy. The Super Bowl is in February.
TIM TEBOW: But You are All-Powerful, Oh Lord.
JESUS: True, Timmy, but even I would have had a tough time straightening out the Eagles secondary in '15. Plus, the o-line was undersized, and the coach thought that he was Me.
TIM TEBOW: But now I am forced to wander in the wilderness of minor-league baseball, enduring all sorts of wicked sliders and ungodly curveballs, which I cannot hit. And yet, when the Eagles won the Super Bowl, there were Nick Foles and Doug Pederson praising your name, and all of the rest of the organization, too, except for Jeff Lurie, because he’s a Jew.
JESUS: I’m a Jew, too, Timmy. Me, why do I have to keep reminding you people of that? All right, I did let the Eagles win the Super Bowl, because they were begging me to. My Father was against it. “Why make those asshole Philly fans happy for once?” were his exact words. And the Holy Ghost took the Pats and the points, so He’s pretty miffed, too. But the Eagles were beseeching the crap out of me, and I figured a free plug at the Super Bowl couldn’t hurt my brand, especially when Mountain Dew was paying 5 mil a pop and a hefty chunk of change to Morgan Freeman and Peter Dinklage as well.
TIM TEBOW: So, it was all about the publicity, oh My Savior?
JESUS: That, and to piss off all the atheists that were rooting for Philly. Imagine your team winning the Super Bowl and the first words out of the coach’s mouth are Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Music to my ears, but nothing ticks off the atheists more than athletes giving glory to Me. And it follows the Commandment that was edited out of the original Ten—“Thou shalt make life a shit-pie for the atheists whenever you can.”
TEBOW: That’s a good Commandment, oh My Redeemer, and I think I have always obeyed it, even in my days with the Broncos, when I would publicly pray on the sidelines after You had granted me another touchdown even though I threw the football like I was tossing a loaf of pumpernickel. You could just hear all the atheists muttering “Oh, Jesus.”
JESUS: And that’s the point, Timmy. When I can get those bastards saying My name, it’s a big-time affirmation. You might have noticed, I’m all about the glory.
TIM TEBOW: So, if I promise to praise You when they hand me the microphone after I get called up by the big league club in September and we win the World Series on my home run, you can make that happen?
JESUS: We’re talking the Mets here, Timmy. What do you expect, a miracle?
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