(MIKE PENCE is in the Vice-Presidential office, playing with a toy truck and making “vroom-vroom” noises when JESUS suddenly appears.)
MIKE PENCE: My Lord!
JESUS: Damn straight.
MIKE PENCE: I know you have spoken to me countless times, Oh Lord, especially when you told me you didn’t want me having dinner with strange women alone and that I needed to keep all the gays out of Indiana, but I am humbled by You appearing in a vision. All my Christian beliefs are now confirmed!
JESUS: You might want to hold off on the gratitude, Mike, until you hear Me out. I came to tell you I haven’t spoken to you once.
MIKE PENCE: But, My Lord!
JESUS: Nor do I whisper in the ear of every yick-a-do who goes to church a couple times a year.
MIKE PENCE: I accept your Word, oh Jesus. But you listen to my prayers, still, right?
JESUS: Are you President yet, Mike?
MIKE PENCE: No.
JESUS: Consider that your answer. I’ve got more interesting people to have conversations with than you, Mike. You know Stephen Hawking just passed the Pearlies and he’s one deep-thinking dude. A howl at parties, too.
MIKE PENCE: Stephen Hawking? The atheist? How can he be in Heaven? Isn’t he embarrassed?
JESUS: People adjust nicely to eternal paradise, Mike, believe it or not. Atheists get over their shock at being in Heaven much better than most Christians, who usually complain about there being too many Jews there.
MIKE PENCE: I have always been a proud defender of the Jewish people, oh Lord. It was I who told the President to move the US embassy to Jerusalem, to welcome You when You return there.
JESUS: Don’t hold your breath for that one, Mike. Not every Redeemer wants to come back and chill in the spot He was crucified. My PTSD comes flooding back every Passover. Me going back to Jerusalem would be like you going back to that cornfield where you lost your virginity to that hunky farmhand in ‘75. I notice you haven’t.
MIKE PENCE: I have begged for your forgiveness for that for all my life, Oh Lord! Please tell me it won’t keep me out of Heaven!
JESUS: Technically it could, Mike, and so would your stash of gay porn. Which your wife knows about, by the way, so I have to listen to her constantly begging me to fix you. That’s another strike against you, Mike. Eternity’s not long enough to listen to all the bore-assing that comes my way.
MIKE PENCE: (on his knees) But I am begging you, Oh Jesus! Please let me into Heaven.
JESUS: Oh, I probably will, Mike. Me knows, I’ve let in worse. Billy Graham needs somebody that's willing to talk to him, anyway.