PENCE: My Lord!
JESUS: Now you’re spitting, Mike.
PENCE: You came in answer to my prayers! Will you grant my plea, and make the coronavirus turn out to be a disease that just kills gay people?
JESUS: Be a negative on that, Mike. When My Father whips up a new disease, He doesn’t get all sexual orientation specific about it most times. Naw, the coronavirus is just going to be a regular old plague. Appreciate the work you did helping AIDS kill more people in Indiana, but this one’s going to kill off mostly the old and sickly.
PENCE: You mean like Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden and Michael Bloomberg?
JESUS: No, I mean like Rush Limbaugh. Let him know, if you see him around.
PENCE: But what am I do to, oh My Savior? The President has put me in charge of stopping the virus!
JESUS: Well, you could put on a gas mask and announce you’re banning all Mexican beer, not just Corona. Just kidding, Mike. You wouldn’t happen to have a beer, would you? In Heaven, it’s always five o’clock. It’s one of the things that makes it Heaven.
PENCE: My Lord, you know I would never touch alcohol!
JESUS: I know that’s what you say, Mike. I was kind of hoping that you were a closet drinker, you know, like that other closet thing you got going on…
PENCE: Never, oh Prince of Peace!
JESUS: Quit piling on the nicknames, Mike. I prefer to be a regular Redeemer, rather than collecting a bunch of titles like I belonged to some half-baked royal family. Anyway, I came by to tell you that you can turn off the prayer hose. You’re screwed, no matter how many whiny petitions you send My way. The coronavirus is going to roll across the land, you’re going to take the blame for it, and Trump is going to boot you off the ticket. Nikki Haley, who My Father, in His infinite wisdom, made just like you in the unprincipled lust for power department, is going to be the VP nominee. And that’s not going to do her much good, because by the time the Republican National Convention rolls around in August, every Trump ass-kisser on that floor is going to be wearing a surgical mask, the kind that regular voters are begging to pay a hundred dollars a pop for, or can’t get at all. That’s going to piss them off, and in November, they’re going to be voting for Bernie Sanders, who’s going to drop the free college thing and win by just promising free hand sanitizer.
PENCE: Jesus! You’d let Bernie Sanders win?
JESUS: Yup. I’m kind of a socialist Jew myself, Mike, if you ever noticed. There’s just one hope for you.
PENCE: Please tell me, Oh Lord! I beg of you!
JESUS: The Simpsons ain’t lied to us yet. Just sayin.’