Ok, so that was bribery Donald “He Loves My Ass” Trump got his hand caught in the cookie jar this week, and it was a steel-plated cookie jar with a heavy lid that got slammed repeatedly on his puny fingers as he tried to extract it.
White House spinmistress Stephanie Grisham had a rationalization ready immediately. “Even though we held up 400 million bucks until the Ukrainians started telling the lies we wanted them too, it certainly could not be called bribery like Deep State sweet pea Pelosi wants to. Everybody knows you use your own money if you want to bribe someone.
“Ask Stormy Daniels if you don’t believe me. When you bribe someone, you borrow money from your lawyer to hide your tracks, pay him back in dribs and drabs, and then piss on him as they haul him off to jail. That’s bribery by a bribery god, and that’s the way President Trump does bribery. I’ll go you one even better. That playmate that was threatening to shoot off her mouth about having an affair with the boss—he got Dave Pecker to pay her off and kill the story. That’s not a quid pro quo, by the way—that’s a quid pro bro.
“But remember, in the Ukraine, only taxpayer money was involved. Every single American taxpayer contributed to the Trump re-election campaign plan to smear Biden, or would have, if it wasn’t for that damn whistleblower. Sure, we know who he is, and we’re waterboarding his Pomeranian as we speak. But that’s water over the dam, or the doggie, as it were.
“Right now, the important thing for the American people who believe that Donald Trump is the most fantastic President ever is to be proud of themselves for helping the President get a leg up for re-election. You know that little box on your tax return that you can check to give a buck to support the Presidential election fund? Basically, we checked it for all of you! And then we held on to the cash until the Ukies were willing to crap on the Bidens.
“Calling that a bribe only makes sense if you’re Schiff, or some leakin’ Lieutenant Colonel, or a warbling Ambassador or two. The American people see right through this impeachment hoax, because they are always eager to ignore incontrovertible facts in favor of bizarre conspiracy theories.
“Just like their President.”
White House spinmistress Stephanie Grisham had a rationalization ready immediately. “Even though we held up 400 million bucks until the Ukrainians started telling the lies we wanted them too, it certainly could not be called bribery like Deep State sweet pea Pelosi wants to. Everybody knows you use your own money if you want to bribe someone.
“Ask Stormy Daniels if you don’t believe me. When you bribe someone, you borrow money from your lawyer to hide your tracks, pay him back in dribs and drabs, and then piss on him as they haul him off to jail. That’s bribery by a bribery god, and that’s the way President Trump does bribery. I’ll go you one even better. That playmate that was threatening to shoot off her mouth about having an affair with the boss—he got Dave Pecker to pay her off and kill the story. That’s not a quid pro quo, by the way—that’s a quid pro bro.
“But remember, in the Ukraine, only taxpayer money was involved. Every single American taxpayer contributed to the Trump re-election campaign plan to smear Biden, or would have, if it wasn’t for that damn whistleblower. Sure, we know who he is, and we’re waterboarding his Pomeranian as we speak. But that’s water over the dam, or the doggie, as it were.
“Right now, the important thing for the American people who believe that Donald Trump is the most fantastic President ever is to be proud of themselves for helping the President get a leg up for re-election. You know that little box on your tax return that you can check to give a buck to support the Presidential election fund? Basically, we checked it for all of you! And then we held on to the cash until the Ukies were willing to crap on the Bidens.
“Calling that a bribe only makes sense if you’re Schiff, or some leakin’ Lieutenant Colonel, or a warbling Ambassador or two. The American people see right through this impeachment hoax, because they are always eager to ignore incontrovertible facts in favor of bizarre conspiracy theories.
“Just like their President.”
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