"We failed to pray hard enough for Cain, Bachmann, Perry and Santorum," admitted the Reverend Dr. Oral Willkie, politico-evangelical head honcho at the Thomas E. Dewey School of Theology of the Tennessee Beaten Bible College (motto—"You're Out of Your Mind if You Don't Believe in Intelligent Design"). When we should have been devoting all our prayers to our candidates, so that Bachmann might have remembered where Libya was, Perry might have remembered which Federal departments he wanted to eliminate, Cain might have recalled that God means for him to keep his hands off white women, and Santorum might have been reminded that plants don't talk, some of us were praying for other things."
What kind of other things?
"Oh, lower golf scores, or a bowl win for some college football team, or a cure for cancer, or world peace, or something else that might have seemed worthy of our prayers at the time, but was obviously not, considering how the political situation turned out."
I remember Pat Robertson saying that the Midwest got hit by those winter tornados because people weren't praying hard enough not to get hit by tornadoes…is this the same thing?
"Absolutely. When we ask God for something in prayer, if He fails to give it to us, it can't be because He can't do it, so it must be because we failed to pray enough."
So if God grants your prayer, He gets the credit, but if He doesn't, it's your fault?
"Yes. Christianity doesn't make sense any other way. But that doesn't help us now, because Obama's a Muslim and Romney's a Mormon."
But Obama says he's a Christian. He went to church on Easter. He belongs to a church in Chicago. Why can't he be a Christian?
"Because he doesn't believe in the same things Christians believe in, which is making anything we don't like against the law and slapping up Commandments and crosses anywhere there's a government building or a big hill. He's a secret Muslim."
What's a secret Muslim? Don't Muslims have to bow towards Mecca every day and pray? Tough to keep that secret. And Obama was photographed drinking a Guinness on St. Patrick's Day. Muslims don't drink.
"Secret Muslims do. As long as they hold their cocktails with one pinkie pointing towards Mecca, they're fine with Allah."
These secret Muslims seem to be exceptionally bad Muslims.
"Doesn't matter. They're in with the grand Muslim plan, which is to impose Sharia law on the United States. That would violate the separation of church and state in our Constitution, which is a fundamental principle of this Christian nation. I don't see how anybody could be for that."
So who are you voting for?
"Romney, I guess. We're just hoping he'll change his mind and say he's a Christian."
Doesn't seem likely. Mormons think they are Christians as is.
"Well, they're not. But there's hope. He's changed his mind about everything else so far."