We're heading towards the depths of February and that bleakest, most angst-filled holiday of the year, Valentine's Day. The days are still short and the weather nasty. The only cheer in this portion of the year is reliably provided by the Girl Scouts, who can be counted on to clog the sidewalks in front of every grocery store in the land, pushing Thin Mints like they were wafers of fentanyl, and pressing them upon you through any sales objection, even "Hey, fentanyl is way cheaper."
This column has always honored the Scouts during their special month. This year it is no different, as you can see below. What is different is that the critics of the Scouts have evolved from being merely bone-headed Tea Partiers to full bore insurrectionists, burning books and having public quarrels about whether the Vice-President has the power to toss out the results of an entire national election, and it's only a matter of whether he, or she, as will be the case in 2025, has the cajones to do so.
2012 and 2014 didn't seem like such halcyon times while we were living through those years. Little did we know.
I had just purchased a year's supply of Girl Scout Cookies when Illinois lawmaker Bob Morris announced that he was refusing to honor the Girl Scouts of America on their 100th anniversary because of the organization's ties to Planned Parenthood.
Although the Girls Scouts claimed they had nothing to do with Planned Parenthood, and vice-versa, I called Bob Morris's office just to be on the safe side. The man who answered refused to be identified, but his advice was brisk and businesslike.
"How many boxes did you buy?" he asked.
They were four dollars a box, but you could get five for twenty dollars, so naturally I took advantage of the deal. What should I do?
"Burn them like they were Qurans," he said immediately.
But I like the cookies.
"Sure, and you probably like eleven-year old girls with socialist, lesbian, abortionist agendas. You're a left-wing child molester. Turn yourself in to the police, and don't call this office again unless you're serious."
But I am serious. What's wrong with my cookies?
"They're artifacts of Planned Parenthood, that's what's wrong with them. What shape are your cookies?"
They're round.
"Don't you see the connection? They're round. So's the pill. So are condoms. So are Nuva-rings. So are cervical caps."
So are a lot of other cookies.
"A lot of other cookies don't contain progesterone."
Do Girl Scout Cookies have progesterone in them?
"We're investigating. And we expect to find that they do. And when we do, you know what that makes them, don't you?
No.
"MORNING AFTER COOKIES, that's what!"
Wow. And I bought them from my boss's daughters. They're Republicans.
"It's sad that Republicans should be so misinformed. Tell your friend to take his girls out of the Girl Scouts immediately. Besides Planned Parenthood cookies, the Girl Scouts also offer a Merit Badge in self-esteem. Tell him to put his daughters in a politically correct girl organization, like the American Heritage Girls."
The American Heritage Girls? Who are they? Sounds like a collection of Colonial costumed dolls.
"They're like the Girl Scouts, only they don't have any self-esteem, like any truly patriotic American female shouldn't."
But my boss's kids like the Girl Scouts. All their friends are in the Girl Scouts. I've never heard of the American Heritage Girls, so my guess is that there are not many troops around. My boss doesn't want to drive a hundred miles for troop meetings. And his girls love selling the cookies. What kind of cookies do the American Heritage Girls sell?
"The American Heritage Girls don't sell cookies. They sell guns."
It's that time of year again, when bouncy girl-children clog the portals of our supermarkets, screeching "DO YOU WANT TO BUY SOME GIRL SCOUT COOKIES?" in unison at every passerby. This is a sales pitch I can never resist, with the result that, in the next three weeks over 50% of my personal nourishment will consist of Girl Scout Cookies, even though they are not that great with beer.
By doing so, I support both Girl Scouting and an unhealthy cholesterol level, important to both the girl youth of America and my family doctor. I am also, as I am reliably informed by John Pisciotta, the organizer of CookieCott 2014, supporting abortion, lesbianism, yoga, paganism and world peace, all of which he is against. I gave John a call at his home in Waco, Texas to get some elucidation on this. He was happy to oblige.
John, this is a hefty list of no-no's being perpetrated by pre-teen girls. Let's start with yoga. Why does CookieCott oppose people doing yoga?
"That's easy. Just ask yourself the question every good Christian should ask themselves any time they are confronted by a moral dilemma—what would Jesus do? And you'll hear the answer loud and clear inside your head—NOT YOGA! You're not a yoga-ist, are you?
No, John. If you see me with my foot in back of my head, call an ambulance, because I am having a painful accident. I'm too full of Girl Scout cookies to even touch my knees.
"What? You're actually consuming these morsels of moral relativism as we speak?"
Worked my way through a couple rows of Samoas just waiting for you to come to the phone.
"Cast them to the winds! Do you know that Girl Scout propaganda urges Scouts to explore labyrinths and dirt mazes to prepare themselves for the twists and turns of life? Labyrinths and dirt mazes are pagan symbols!"
There aren't so many labyrinths around here, John. We have corn mazes. Do they count?
"No, corn mazes are often cut out by good Christian farmers so they can make a few extra bucks encouraging you to get lost while inhaling questionable agricultural chemicals and unknown quantities of fungal spores on sunny fall afternoons. They're okay."
What about this Journeys program that encourages Girl Scouts to make peace? Are you against peace?
"No, so don't twist my words when I say yes. Peace is not something for little girls or, when they grow up, adult women, to trouble themselves with. Peace is for men to decide. Peace comes when men decide to stop bombing and shooting each other, or just plain run out of ammo. That's all little girls need to know about it."
What about the other issues? How can you say the Scouts promote lesbianism and abortion?
"They have cookies called Lesbos..."
Those are Do-si-dos, John. Believe me, I've done the research.
"Well, they had to change the name a little so they wouldn't be completely obvious. But a Girl Scout troop marched in a Gay Pride parade last year, in disobedience to Jesus' command, 'Stay thou in thy closets, oh Sodomites..."
I don't think Jesus said that in the Bible, John.
"Not in the Bible. He said it to my pastor, in a vision. That's good enough for me. And the Scouts said something nice about Wendy Davis for standing up for eleven hours for what she believes in, which is that a woman ought not to have to drive six hundred miles to get an abortion. So the Girl Scouts are for abortion."
Or they're just for girls standing up for what they believe in.
"Well, of course that's even worse."
This column has always honored the Scouts during their special month. This year it is no different, as you can see below. What is different is that the critics of the Scouts have evolved from being merely bone-headed Tea Partiers to full bore insurrectionists, burning books and having public quarrels about whether the Vice-President has the power to toss out the results of an entire national election, and it's only a matter of whether he, or she, as will be the case in 2025, has the cajones to do so.
2012 and 2014 didn't seem like such halcyon times while we were living through those years. Little did we know.
I had just purchased a year's supply of Girl Scout Cookies when Illinois lawmaker Bob Morris announced that he was refusing to honor the Girl Scouts of America on their 100th anniversary because of the organization's ties to Planned Parenthood.
Although the Girls Scouts claimed they had nothing to do with Planned Parenthood, and vice-versa, I called Bob Morris's office just to be on the safe side. The man who answered refused to be identified, but his advice was brisk and businesslike.
"How many boxes did you buy?" he asked.
They were four dollars a box, but you could get five for twenty dollars, so naturally I took advantage of the deal. What should I do?
"Burn them like they were Qurans," he said immediately.
But I like the cookies.
"Sure, and you probably like eleven-year old girls with socialist, lesbian, abortionist agendas. You're a left-wing child molester. Turn yourself in to the police, and don't call this office again unless you're serious."
But I am serious. What's wrong with my cookies?
"They're artifacts of Planned Parenthood, that's what's wrong with them. What shape are your cookies?"
They're round.
"Don't you see the connection? They're round. So's the pill. So are condoms. So are Nuva-rings. So are cervical caps."
So are a lot of other cookies.
"A lot of other cookies don't contain progesterone."
Do Girl Scout Cookies have progesterone in them?
"We're investigating. And we expect to find that they do. And when we do, you know what that makes them, don't you?
No.
"MORNING AFTER COOKIES, that's what!"
Wow. And I bought them from my boss's daughters. They're Republicans.
"It's sad that Republicans should be so misinformed. Tell your friend to take his girls out of the Girl Scouts immediately. Besides Planned Parenthood cookies, the Girl Scouts also offer a Merit Badge in self-esteem. Tell him to put his daughters in a politically correct girl organization, like the American Heritage Girls."
The American Heritage Girls? Who are they? Sounds like a collection of Colonial costumed dolls.
"They're like the Girl Scouts, only they don't have any self-esteem, like any truly patriotic American female shouldn't."
But my boss's kids like the Girl Scouts. All their friends are in the Girl Scouts. I've never heard of the American Heritage Girls, so my guess is that there are not many troops around. My boss doesn't want to drive a hundred miles for troop meetings. And his girls love selling the cookies. What kind of cookies do the American Heritage Girls sell?
"The American Heritage Girls don't sell cookies. They sell guns."
It's that time of year again, when bouncy girl-children clog the portals of our supermarkets, screeching "DO YOU WANT TO BUY SOME GIRL SCOUT COOKIES?" in unison at every passerby. This is a sales pitch I can never resist, with the result that, in the next three weeks over 50% of my personal nourishment will consist of Girl Scout Cookies, even though they are not that great with beer.
By doing so, I support both Girl Scouting and an unhealthy cholesterol level, important to both the girl youth of America and my family doctor. I am also, as I am reliably informed by John Pisciotta, the organizer of CookieCott 2014, supporting abortion, lesbianism, yoga, paganism and world peace, all of which he is against. I gave John a call at his home in Waco, Texas to get some elucidation on this. He was happy to oblige.
John, this is a hefty list of no-no's being perpetrated by pre-teen girls. Let's start with yoga. Why does CookieCott oppose people doing yoga?
"That's easy. Just ask yourself the question every good Christian should ask themselves any time they are confronted by a moral dilemma—what would Jesus do? And you'll hear the answer loud and clear inside your head—NOT YOGA! You're not a yoga-ist, are you?
No, John. If you see me with my foot in back of my head, call an ambulance, because I am having a painful accident. I'm too full of Girl Scout cookies to even touch my knees.
"What? You're actually consuming these morsels of moral relativism as we speak?"
Worked my way through a couple rows of Samoas just waiting for you to come to the phone.
"Cast them to the winds! Do you know that Girl Scout propaganda urges Scouts to explore labyrinths and dirt mazes to prepare themselves for the twists and turns of life? Labyrinths and dirt mazes are pagan symbols!"
There aren't so many labyrinths around here, John. We have corn mazes. Do they count?
"No, corn mazes are often cut out by good Christian farmers so they can make a few extra bucks encouraging you to get lost while inhaling questionable agricultural chemicals and unknown quantities of fungal spores on sunny fall afternoons. They're okay."
What about this Journeys program that encourages Girl Scouts to make peace? Are you against peace?
"No, so don't twist my words when I say yes. Peace is not something for little girls or, when they grow up, adult women, to trouble themselves with. Peace is for men to decide. Peace comes when men decide to stop bombing and shooting each other, or just plain run out of ammo. That's all little girls need to know about it."
What about the other issues? How can you say the Scouts promote lesbianism and abortion?
"They have cookies called Lesbos..."
Those are Do-si-dos, John. Believe me, I've done the research.
"Well, they had to change the name a little so they wouldn't be completely obvious. But a Girl Scout troop marched in a Gay Pride parade last year, in disobedience to Jesus' command, 'Stay thou in thy closets, oh Sodomites..."
I don't think Jesus said that in the Bible, John.
"Not in the Bible. He said it to my pastor, in a vision. That's good enough for me. And the Scouts said something nice about Wendy Davis for standing up for eleven hours for what she believes in, which is that a woman ought not to have to drive six hundred miles to get an abortion. So the Girl Scouts are for abortion."
Or they're just for girls standing up for what they believe in.
"Well, of course that's even worse."
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