Don't do this at home. Do it in church. Pundits are puzzled by the devotion of American evangelicals to the cause of Trump, the pussy-grabbing and porn star-furgling leader of our nation, but over here we don’t see what the problem is. People who handle snakes, speak in tongues and give all their disposable income to Joel Osteen can’t really be expected to make sophisticated political choices, and while the rest of us think the religious right ought to be scorning Trump like he was a gay wedding cake, they are perfectly fine with him marrying nude models and then cheating on them with Playboy centerfolds.
People who never forgave Obama for being black are capable of forgiving Trump for chasing after Stormy in his tightie-whities and then paying her a hundred-thirty grand for not mentioning the major brownout on them. This is because they are used to believing shit that can’t possibly be real. Way long before FOX, the Bible was the original source of fake news.
We start in the beginning, where God created Adam and Eve, and then got really po-ed at them for snacking on some fruit offered up by a third-party vendor. He cast them out of the Garden, a dwelling place which made Beverly Hills look like a shithole country. They had two sons, one of which killed the other. This would seem an odd way to eventually become the ancestors of 8 billion of us, but evangelicals believe it over competing origin stories, like us all riding around on top of a giant turtle or anything cooked up by that scammer Darwin.
Our favorite Bible tale is the story of Abraham being ordered by God to sacrifice his son Jacob, and then, right when Abraham is about to stick a dagger through his boy’s heart, re-appears and says, “Just fucking with ya, Abe.” This tale imparts two valuable lessons, the first of which is that it is okay to think about killing your kids, and the second is that God is shady as shit.
And He was never any shadier then when he decided to have his own Kid, and then kill Him. Killing your descendants is a recurring theme in the Old Testament, and God eventually decided to walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. And he went all-in on having Him crucified, instead of having Him undergo something a little quicker and less painful, like being boiled in oil or drawn and quartered, or even shot through the head like an American homeroom teacher. Jesus at one point in the Bible gets down on his knees and begs His Father to let the crucifixion plan slide, and probably offers to listen to boy bands with a really bad hangover, or to get a painful, month-long ingrown nail, or just about anything instead of getting nailed to a cross. And the Father, in His infinite wisdom, says, “Nope,” which is what He customarily says when asked for anything, if you’ve noticed, and the deal went down.
So, don’t bother trying to talk Christians out of believing in Trump. They believe in far weirder shit than him already, and they are liable to get all agitated and offer to explain the error of your atheist ways to you. “Here,” they’ll begin. “Hold my snake.”
Which, coincidentally, is the pickup line Trump used on Stormy.
People who never forgave Obama for being black are capable of forgiving Trump for chasing after Stormy in his tightie-whities and then paying her a hundred-thirty grand for not mentioning the major brownout on them. This is because they are used to believing shit that can’t possibly be real. Way long before FOX, the Bible was the original source of fake news.
We start in the beginning, where God created Adam and Eve, and then got really po-ed at them for snacking on some fruit offered up by a third-party vendor. He cast them out of the Garden, a dwelling place which made Beverly Hills look like a shithole country. They had two sons, one of which killed the other. This would seem an odd way to eventually become the ancestors of 8 billion of us, but evangelicals believe it over competing origin stories, like us all riding around on top of a giant turtle or anything cooked up by that scammer Darwin.
Our favorite Bible tale is the story of Abraham being ordered by God to sacrifice his son Jacob, and then, right when Abraham is about to stick a dagger through his boy’s heart, re-appears and says, “Just fucking with ya, Abe.” This tale imparts two valuable lessons, the first of which is that it is okay to think about killing your kids, and the second is that God is shady as shit.
And He was never any shadier then when he decided to have his own Kid, and then kill Him. Killing your descendants is a recurring theme in the Old Testament, and God eventually decided to walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. And he went all-in on having Him crucified, instead of having Him undergo something a little quicker and less painful, like being boiled in oil or drawn and quartered, or even shot through the head like an American homeroom teacher. Jesus at one point in the Bible gets down on his knees and begs His Father to let the crucifixion plan slide, and probably offers to listen to boy bands with a really bad hangover, or to get a painful, month-long ingrown nail, or just about anything instead of getting nailed to a cross. And the Father, in His infinite wisdom, says, “Nope,” which is what He customarily says when asked for anything, if you’ve noticed, and the deal went down.
So, don’t bother trying to talk Christians out of believing in Trump. They believe in far weirder shit than him already, and they are liable to get all agitated and offer to explain the error of your atheist ways to you. “Here,” they’ll begin. “Hold my snake.”
Which, coincidentally, is the pickup line Trump used on Stormy.
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