Being President of the United States comes with major perks—the free airplane rides, the big desk, and all the state dinners you can eat, but nowadays it also always comes with a suspicion from certain corners that you might be the Antichrist.
The Antichrist, for those of you who don’t keep track of such things, is a major player in the Final Days as laid out in the Bible, the figure who is prophesized to oppose the Son of God when he returns in glory. He is also prophesized to get his ass kicked by Jesus, which maybe accounts for the whole Apocalypse not having started yet. The Antichrist might be sandbagging it. He may just be lying there with his head on his pillows, thinking, “Why get up for that?
But he is suspected of occupying the White House occasionally. Obama made a great candidate for the Antichrist. Mostly because he was black, of course, but also because he was obviously smarter than most of the people that hated him. And he wore that tan suit, and tan is the official color of the Final Tribulation.
Just kidding. If Obama was the Antichrist, then Biden has already been the Vice-Antichrist, which may look nice on a resume, but it’s not on Joe’s, because it turns out Obama wasn’t the Antichrist after all. The Antichrist would have spent the last four years gathering an army of evildoers to conquer Jerusalem and all Obama’s been doing is collecting that gigantic bucket of post-Presidential cheese and stuffing it in his wallet. That and wake-boarding in Hawaii.
Trump would have made a better-than-average Antichrist. He had the attitude for it, but not the work ethic. He’s got nothing to do now except fume and get fatter in Florida, which is what a lot of retired American guys do, while his followers gradually tiptoe away from him. He’s no longer Antichrist material.
The sad thing is, Joe isn’t either. He likes dogs, and not Armored Mastiffs that Can Crunch a Human Femur in Half, which is the kind of dog the Antichrist might like, but regular, take a dump by the rose bushes and then a nap on the lawn kind of dogs. Also, Dr. Jill would not have married the Antichrist. She’s just obviously not that kind of woman.
We do have Kamala, though, and already noted theologian Robert Henderson has said that she is “driven by the Antichrist spirit,” though most times when you notice her being driven, it is by the Secret Service. Kamala at first may seem like a good choice for the Antichrist—she wears Converse sneakers with pants suits, which many of her critics say is a Fashion Choice from Hell. And guess what she’s not?
If you said “white,” you are correct. But if you said, “a guy,” you are also correct. And the Spawn of Hell, who will battle Jesus in the skies of Earth on the Final Day, has always been prophesized to be a dude.
So forget Kamala, too. Yep, Hell has a glass ceiling.
The Antichrist, for those of you who don’t keep track of such things, is a major player in the Final Days as laid out in the Bible, the figure who is prophesized to oppose the Son of God when he returns in glory. He is also prophesized to get his ass kicked by Jesus, which maybe accounts for the whole Apocalypse not having started yet. The Antichrist might be sandbagging it. He may just be lying there with his head on his pillows, thinking, “Why get up for that?
But he is suspected of occupying the White House occasionally. Obama made a great candidate for the Antichrist. Mostly because he was black, of course, but also because he was obviously smarter than most of the people that hated him. And he wore that tan suit, and tan is the official color of the Final Tribulation.
Just kidding. If Obama was the Antichrist, then Biden has already been the Vice-Antichrist, which may look nice on a resume, but it’s not on Joe’s, because it turns out Obama wasn’t the Antichrist after all. The Antichrist would have spent the last four years gathering an army of evildoers to conquer Jerusalem and all Obama’s been doing is collecting that gigantic bucket of post-Presidential cheese and stuffing it in his wallet. That and wake-boarding in Hawaii.
Trump would have made a better-than-average Antichrist. He had the attitude for it, but not the work ethic. He’s got nothing to do now except fume and get fatter in Florida, which is what a lot of retired American guys do, while his followers gradually tiptoe away from him. He’s no longer Antichrist material.
The sad thing is, Joe isn’t either. He likes dogs, and not Armored Mastiffs that Can Crunch a Human Femur in Half, which is the kind of dog the Antichrist might like, but regular, take a dump by the rose bushes and then a nap on the lawn kind of dogs. Also, Dr. Jill would not have married the Antichrist. She’s just obviously not that kind of woman.
We do have Kamala, though, and already noted theologian Robert Henderson has said that she is “driven by the Antichrist spirit,” though most times when you notice her being driven, it is by the Secret Service. Kamala at first may seem like a good choice for the Antichrist—she wears Converse sneakers with pants suits, which many of her critics say is a Fashion Choice from Hell. And guess what she’s not?
If you said “white,” you are correct. But if you said, “a guy,” you are also correct. And the Spawn of Hell, who will battle Jesus in the skies of Earth on the Final Day, has always been prophesized to be a dude.
So forget Kamala, too. Yep, Hell has a glass ceiling.
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