Banned Iranian dog
Iranian authorities have proposed a crackdown on dog ownership in their country, citing Islamic beliefs that canines are najes, or unclean. While shepherd dogs and other working breeds would still be allowed, the keeping of dogs for pets would be banned as "vulgar" and "Western."
The US immediately moved a carrier group within striking distance of Iran and hostilities seemed inevitable.
Several members of Congress protested against the military moves. "We're already at war in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, sort of," said one senior member of the House Armed Services Committee. "And the Iranian ban is only on short-legged or "holdable" dogs. Big dogs are okay. Are we willing to go to war to save the rights of Iranians to own foo-foo dogs?"
"Absolutely," was Vice-President Joe Biden's reply. "Americans love dogs of all shapes and sizes. The notion that our nation would only act to protect large breeds and turn a blind eye to the persecution of small, yippy lap dogs is an error that the dog-hating nations of the world would love to see us make, but it's not happening on our watch."
Republicans, usually unrelenting in their criticism of the Obama administration, quickly assented to the military moves. "Sure, the Iranians held us hostage, build illegal nuclear weapons, deny the Holocaust and generally screw with us every chance they get, and we haven't done diddly to them up to this point," Speaker of the House John Boehner admitted. "But when their illegitimate regime starts stepping on the necks of Pomeranians and Jack Russell terriers, America has to act, or risk encouraging the forces of anti-caninism everywhere. Crank up those Tomahawks."
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has been persuaded out of retirement in order to lead the war effort. "What we need are boots on the ground," Rumsfeld said, upon resumption of duties. "American boots on Iranian ground. Stepping in the poop of grateful Iranian dogs."
Already, caninarian aid is being prepared. "Sure, once our tanks are rolling into Tehran it makes for great TV," said one spokesperson for Dogs Without Borders, "but we have to be ready with immediate relief supplies. It's one thing to win the war, but we have to replace all the pooper scoopers and chew strips that have been seized by the Iranian authorities. By the time victory is achieved, how long will the doggies of the defeated nation been without a squeaky mouse toy, rawhide strip or a Frisbee? Maybe too long."
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, while presiding over frantic diplomatic efforts to avoid the dogfight, spoke sternly to the world audience. "The United States of America is a pit bull on the burglar's ankle of dog oppression. Anyone thinks otherwise, they're barking up the wrong tree."
The US immediately moved a carrier group within striking distance of Iran and hostilities seemed inevitable.
Several members of Congress protested against the military moves. "We're already at war in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, sort of," said one senior member of the House Armed Services Committee. "And the Iranian ban is only on short-legged or "holdable" dogs. Big dogs are okay. Are we willing to go to war to save the rights of Iranians to own foo-foo dogs?"
"Absolutely," was Vice-President Joe Biden's reply. "Americans love dogs of all shapes and sizes. The notion that our nation would only act to protect large breeds and turn a blind eye to the persecution of small, yippy lap dogs is an error that the dog-hating nations of the world would love to see us make, but it's not happening on our watch."
Republicans, usually unrelenting in their criticism of the Obama administration, quickly assented to the military moves. "Sure, the Iranians held us hostage, build illegal nuclear weapons, deny the Holocaust and generally screw with us every chance they get, and we haven't done diddly to them up to this point," Speaker of the House John Boehner admitted. "But when their illegitimate regime starts stepping on the necks of Pomeranians and Jack Russell terriers, America has to act, or risk encouraging the forces of anti-caninism everywhere. Crank up those Tomahawks."
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has been persuaded out of retirement in order to lead the war effort. "What we need are boots on the ground," Rumsfeld said, upon resumption of duties. "American boots on Iranian ground. Stepping in the poop of grateful Iranian dogs."
Already, caninarian aid is being prepared. "Sure, once our tanks are rolling into Tehran it makes for great TV," said one spokesperson for Dogs Without Borders, "but we have to be ready with immediate relief supplies. It's one thing to win the war, but we have to replace all the pooper scoopers and chew strips that have been seized by the Iranian authorities. By the time victory is achieved, how long will the doggies of the defeated nation been without a squeaky mouse toy, rawhide strip or a Frisbee? Maybe too long."
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, while presiding over frantic diplomatic efforts to avoid the dogfight, spoke sternly to the world audience. "The United States of America is a pit bull on the burglar's ankle of dog oppression. Anyone thinks otherwise, they're barking up the wrong tree."
RSS Feed
