These names have usually been assigned by Native Americans. Sometimes they work, and sometimes they don’t. There’s a Sturgeon Moon, for example. Knowledge of the Sturgeon Moon has never been shared beneficially. “Hey, you know it’s the Sturgeon Moon tonight?” has never been successfully used as a pick-up line in a singles bar, for example.
There are the other moons that the Net obsesses over, too, and they’re not going away—Super Moons, where the full moon occurs when the Moon is closest to the Earth and supposedly bigger to the naked eye. You can’t really tell the difference, though, no matter how long you stare at a Super Moon, unless you’ve taken peyote. There are Blue Moons, when you have more than one full moon in the month, and Blood Moons, beloved of apocalypse fans everywhere, and supposedly predictive of the end of Earth. Blood Moons are lunar eclipses, which occur at least twice a year, indicating that the end of the world is a more gradual process than many doomsday aficionados care to admit.
We need to modernize these moon monikers to make them relevant in this age. A few suggestions:
January--The Hangover Moon. Also known as I Can’t Look at Myself in the Mirror Moon, this moon rises as the cornucopia of indulgence over the holidays ends.
February—Since many Americans now live in the Sun Belt, where snow is rare, the Snow Moon will now be called the Tax Refund Moon.
March—Titled the Worm Moon by the Native Americans, it is the yickiest moon. Now to be known as the Daylight Savings Moon.
April—Once the Pink Moon, it will now be the Warm Enough to Wear Shorts Sometimes Moon.
May—The Flower Moon is replaced by the Your Mom Moon, after the month’s most significant day.
June—The Strawberry Moon will now be the Gay Pride Moon. Sometimes also called the Student Loan Moon, as recent grads embark on a lifetime of debt.
July—This season of picnicking will be shone over by the Bean Dip Moon.
August—The Back to School Moon, as the kids go back to the classroom, which they will this year, hopefully.
September—The Halloween Superstores Are Open Moon replaces the Harvest Moon, because nobody you know harvests but they all need a month to get psyched up for Halloween.
October—The Buy Candy Moon.
November—Originally called by Native American tribes the Big Beaver Moon. We’re just going to keep this one.
December—The Credit Card Debt Moon.