This column has been brooding about the existence of “incels,” self-described “involuntary celibates,” for a while, and the movement they represent, which howls fruitlessly for help, including government assistance in getting laid, and is now going to kindly explain to the incel movement why they don’t get the sex they think they deserve.
First off, nobody gets the sex they think they deserve, especially guys. Pizza delivery guys shove countless pies through countless doorways without getting dragged inside and ravished by MILFs, although that happens constantly on PornHub. Plumbers show their butts while working underneath many, many sinks without being seized by the toolbelt and hauled off to the bedroom by their nubile housewife customers who need sex more than they need that ear of corn extracted from the garbage disposal. Often their equally horny sisters, daughters and neighbors are waiting in the den as well, looking to help themselves to a piece of plumber, too.
Recognize that this does not happen in real life. In real life, (IRL) you can knock on thousands of doors without any one of them being answered by a woman wearing nothing but a towel. Try it if you doubt this.
“All right,” we can hear you incels saying. “I don’t want porno sex. I just want a girlfriend.” Well, good buddy, maintaining a relationship is work. You must know what to say and, even more importantly, what not to say. What not to say would include mentioning on a first date that you are constantly rejected by women, because that will start your date thinking, “Hmm…those girls might be on to something.”
The only way to smooth out these bumps in your dating style is to keep working at it. Don’t give up and start carrying tiki torches around town, or lock yourself in your mom’s basement and pour out your rape fantasies onto the message boards on Reddit. The girls you want to be with are on Instagram, anyway. Get a better job. Develop a sense of humor. You know all those fat comedians who joke about never getting laid? Those guys get laid.
Above all, drop your Trump fetish. Women hate Trump, except for Tomi Lahren, Anne Coulter, Judge Jeannine, Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders. That’s it. That’s all of them, and you don’t have a chance with Tomi Lahren. All those other hot chicks on Twitter who are wildly pro-Trump? You know why they don’t respond to you? They’re all bots. They’re all really guys in Belarus named Viktor.
We know you worship Trump as an alpha male. Here’s a guy who grabs all the pussy he wants, and cares about the feelings of said pussy far less than he cares about his next cheeseburger. He imported a sex slave from Slovenia, just as you wished you could do. He has sex with porn stars and Playboy playmates. How does a fat old man with three chins and hair that must at all times be shielded from even the slightest breeze accomplish these sexual feats?
Simple. He pays for it.
Could be a solution to your problem, too.
First off, nobody gets the sex they think they deserve, especially guys. Pizza delivery guys shove countless pies through countless doorways without getting dragged inside and ravished by MILFs, although that happens constantly on PornHub. Plumbers show their butts while working underneath many, many sinks without being seized by the toolbelt and hauled off to the bedroom by their nubile housewife customers who need sex more than they need that ear of corn extracted from the garbage disposal. Often their equally horny sisters, daughters and neighbors are waiting in the den as well, looking to help themselves to a piece of plumber, too.
Recognize that this does not happen in real life. In real life, (IRL) you can knock on thousands of doors without any one of them being answered by a woman wearing nothing but a towel. Try it if you doubt this.
“All right,” we can hear you incels saying. “I don’t want porno sex. I just want a girlfriend.” Well, good buddy, maintaining a relationship is work. You must know what to say and, even more importantly, what not to say. What not to say would include mentioning on a first date that you are constantly rejected by women, because that will start your date thinking, “Hmm…those girls might be on to something.”
The only way to smooth out these bumps in your dating style is to keep working at it. Don’t give up and start carrying tiki torches around town, or lock yourself in your mom’s basement and pour out your rape fantasies onto the message boards on Reddit. The girls you want to be with are on Instagram, anyway. Get a better job. Develop a sense of humor. You know all those fat comedians who joke about never getting laid? Those guys get laid.
Above all, drop your Trump fetish. Women hate Trump, except for Tomi Lahren, Anne Coulter, Judge Jeannine, Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders. That’s it. That’s all of them, and you don’t have a chance with Tomi Lahren. All those other hot chicks on Twitter who are wildly pro-Trump? You know why they don’t respond to you? They’re all bots. They’re all really guys in Belarus named Viktor.
We know you worship Trump as an alpha male. Here’s a guy who grabs all the pussy he wants, and cares about the feelings of said pussy far less than he cares about his next cheeseburger. He imported a sex slave from Slovenia, just as you wished you could do. He has sex with porn stars and Playboy playmates. How does a fat old man with three chins and hair that must at all times be shielded from even the slightest breeze accomplish these sexual feats?
Simple. He pays for it.
Could be a solution to your problem, too.
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