The bumbum competition. It's the only one. In a week when Americans made possibly the worst national mistake since they tied up the whole Pacific Fleet in Pearl Harbor, trusty Brazil restored some needed balance to the world stage by selecting a new Miss BumBum Brazil.
The contest, which claims to select the steamy South American nation’s finest hiney, has its detractors. A critic said “The butts of all Brazilian women remain slaves to advertising.” I’m sure that was translated, because it might make sense in Portuguese.
Miss BumBum remains a contest bereft of talent competitions, ballroom dress events, or any public speeches by the contestants. It is one-hundred percent about bootyliciousness.
Likewise, there is no Miss Congenial BumBum, even though some of my readers just thought “Hey, that would make a great pet name for my girl.” The Bum-Bummers do not indulge in myth-making about all of their contestants being sweet and supportive of each other. The back-biting and accusations of cheating by using butt implants that crop up every year are publicly aired. Bribing the judges, either with cash or bumbum, is universally expected, but so far the FBI and the Russian government have not attempted to influence the outcome, so it is still possibly more fair than the election we just had. It is a rolling reality show, one that so far American cable networks have not had the nerve to emulate, although here it might have more draw here if it was called “Miss Boob Job.”
Unlike Miss Universe, owning Miss BumBum has never provided a pathway to national leadership, although perhaps a future President of Brazil is right now lurking backstage at the pageant, watching the contestants slip their G-strings on and thinking about molesting them, and also his vision for the country.
The contest celebrated diversity this year by selecting the first black Miss BumBum, Erika Canela, which probably puzzled many American fans of the competition, who have trouble believing anyone who lives in Brazil is white. Also, we in the States have been enlightened about outsized black buns for many years, thanks to Sir Mix-A-Lot and Beyoncé.
The most controversial part of the pageant was the promoter’s decision to stage a parody of Leonardo da Vinci’s “Last Supper” with the finalists taking the spots of Jesus and the Apostles at the table for a photo op. The Church was not happy with this, even though the comparison failed the minute the Supper ended, because most of the contestants immediately ran to the ladies’ room and threw up, while at the original LS, the Apostles, being all guys, merely patted their tummies and poured themselves more wine.
But let’s not dismiss Miss Bum Bum as merely an amusing foreign ritual in a ass-obsessed Third World country. After all, Brazil just impeached its President and removed her from office, which is what the savant Michael Moore predicts we will do here within the next four years, so we may be behind Brazil in that regard.
And while Brazilians may have Erika to be proud or ashamed of, we will soon have Melania. Talk about a toss-up.
The contest, which claims to select the steamy South American nation’s finest hiney, has its detractors. A critic said “The butts of all Brazilian women remain slaves to advertising.” I’m sure that was translated, because it might make sense in Portuguese.
Miss BumBum remains a contest bereft of talent competitions, ballroom dress events, or any public speeches by the contestants. It is one-hundred percent about bootyliciousness.
Likewise, there is no Miss Congenial BumBum, even though some of my readers just thought “Hey, that would make a great pet name for my girl.” The Bum-Bummers do not indulge in myth-making about all of their contestants being sweet and supportive of each other. The back-biting and accusations of cheating by using butt implants that crop up every year are publicly aired. Bribing the judges, either with cash or bumbum, is universally expected, but so far the FBI and the Russian government have not attempted to influence the outcome, so it is still possibly more fair than the election we just had. It is a rolling reality show, one that so far American cable networks have not had the nerve to emulate, although here it might have more draw here if it was called “Miss Boob Job.”
Unlike Miss Universe, owning Miss BumBum has never provided a pathway to national leadership, although perhaps a future President of Brazil is right now lurking backstage at the pageant, watching the contestants slip their G-strings on and thinking about molesting them, and also his vision for the country.
The contest celebrated diversity this year by selecting the first black Miss BumBum, Erika Canela, which probably puzzled many American fans of the competition, who have trouble believing anyone who lives in Brazil is white. Also, we in the States have been enlightened about outsized black buns for many years, thanks to Sir Mix-A-Lot and Beyoncé.
The most controversial part of the pageant was the promoter’s decision to stage a parody of Leonardo da Vinci’s “Last Supper” with the finalists taking the spots of Jesus and the Apostles at the table for a photo op. The Church was not happy with this, even though the comparison failed the minute the Supper ended, because most of the contestants immediately ran to the ladies’ room and threw up, while at the original LS, the Apostles, being all guys, merely patted their tummies and poured themselves more wine.
But let’s not dismiss Miss Bum Bum as merely an amusing foreign ritual in a ass-obsessed Third World country. After all, Brazil just impeached its President and removed her from office, which is what the savant Michael Moore predicts we will do here within the next four years, so we may be behind Brazil in that regard.
And while Brazilians may have Erika to be proud or ashamed of, we will soon have Melania. Talk about a toss-up.
RSS Feed
