NRA main honcho Wayne LaPierre was happy to elaborate. “A million people aren’t marching in Washington unless George Soros is buying them lunch,” he said confidently. “Him or some Hollywood bigwigs taking time out from making violent movies and video games, which are really what inspire mass killers, because they don’t want us to have guns.”
They seem to represent a groundswell of popular opinion, Wayne.
“Nonsense! Who’s going to get behind a bunch of whiny kids unless they’re being funded by the Deep State? And what have these kids got to complain about? They weren’t shot. Okay, their friends were shot. The NRA is officially sorry about that.”
Wow, I’ve never heard the NRA apologize for anything before, Wayne. This Parkland thing must have really affected your organization.
“It’s not an apology. We’re just sorry these kids weren’t shot, instead of the ones that were. Save us a lot of trouble if they weren’t up there making speeches. Like one of our more thoughtful members said of the little social climbers, ‘You wouldn’t even be famous if your friends weren’t dead.’ These kids are taking advantage of the tragedy to get on TV. And they say the NRA is morally bankrupt.”
Indeed they do, Wayne. A million people said so yesterday in DC. They seemed very passionate about it. Miley Cyrus even put her clothes on so she could support those kids.
“Quit going on about a million people, too. Did you count them? I’m sure some of those people were just there to see the Smithsonian, or the Washington Monument. Or just out for a nice, healthful walk on a spring day. The NRA is always in favor of healthy walks, as long as you’re carrying a gun. So, some of those people were NRA supporters. You can subtract them from your so-called million.”
Really sounds like you’re straining to rationalize your position there, Wayne.
“I am not! What about my friend Rick Santorum, who said that these kids should just learn CPR in case it happens again, and that they should stop asking other people to help them?”
Rick Santorum hasn’t even had a job since 2007, Wayne. He’s had time to come up with rationalizations, although I admit those were first-class, because CPR isn’t very useful if you’ve been shot in the torso, and if you’re an unarmed person getting hit by a hail of bullets, you’d have to have a pretty strong character not to scream desparately for help from somebody. What about some of your other supporters? Like the guy in Maine who called one of the Parkland survivors a “skinhead lesbian?”
“That guy was misunderstood. What he was trying to say is that lesbians with short haircuts don’t understand the Second Amendment, and he ends up getting all castigated for it. But it's a fact. Go find a lesbian with a butch haircut and ask her about the Constitution. What she tells you won’t make any sense at all.”
You mean, like, compared to you?
“The NRA is always the adult in the room. Especially in classrooms when the bullets start flying. Just hide under your desk when shots start ricocheting off the lockers, and if the kid next to you is gravely wounded, give him or her CPR. Above all, quit blaming us for you getting yourself shot. The trouble with this generation of gunshot victims is their unwillingness to take personal responsibility.”
Whereas, the NRA is never responsible for anything.
“Now you’re feeling me! Wait—where are you going? I think we were on the verge of a breakthrough.”
Lunch, Wayne. George Soros is buying.