It is time for this column to examine this enduring controversy, which looms large in the nation's collective psyche because more people watched the Weather Channel this weekend than watched the opening of the professional football season.
The liberal media favors climate change, natch. CNN, probably enjoying the little reprieve they’re getting from running stories about Trump snuggling with the Russians that people don’t believe, are running stories about the ocean being seven degrees warmer than average in the hurricane zone. Warm ocean water is like crack cocaine for hurricanes, CNN’s scientists say, making them act out belligerently. People don’t believe this, either. They prefer to blame hurricanes on gay people.
None other than prominent public witch Ann Coulter was the first to blame Harvey on homos, saying that Houston being up to its lips in floodwaters was the result of the city electing a gay mayor some years back. A number of other Christian types then chimed in, all claiming that Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, and the as-yet-to-be-released Jose, were God’s punishment on us for not killing our gays, or at least making a sincerer effort to hurt their feelings.
Their theory depends upon a single passage from the Bible, which reads, roughly, “Thou shalt not lie with a man as thou dost with a woman, for that is an abomination.” Of course, God, as is his wont, chose not to be more specific, by adding that “If you don’t shame everybody who does this and at least force them to live in the closet, which hasn’t been invented yet because you all live in fucking tents, I will bring forth a mighty-ass storm on a continent that you have no idea exists, in a couple or maybe three thousand years.”
No, He left us on our own to interpret His word, so some people are naturally thinking that pestering gay people will prevent further hurricanes. Hurricanes are not even mentioned in the Bible, even though the Bible is full of shitty weather. Toads, locusts, scorpions, eyes of newts and other icky objects are constantly falling from the ancient skies, but hurricanes are not mentioned once. They don’t have hurricanes in the Middle East, which cynics agree is the reason they aren’t noted in the Bible, but believers know that the Almighty in His wisdom did not want to burden the Israelites with a lot of superfluous knowledge, and contented Himself with just raining down the odd pestilence on them instead.
In the meantime, climate scientists got busy with their instruments and gages and grids and computer simulations and all the other stuff they use to make it hard to understand what they are saying, but the gist of it came to be called global warming, since modified to “climate change,” because inventing euphemisms is a necessary feature of our modern world. They warned us that hurricanes were going to be more frequent and way huger. They did not predict that hurricanes are going to start hitting gay havens like San Francisco, Palm Springs or Berlin, which you would think hurricanes would, if the will of the Almighty was to give gays a good spanking.
Which some of them would probably enjoy. But hurricanes are not everywhere, whereas gay people are. It’s almost like God made them, or something.
So, one way or another, we’re going to have more badass hurricanes in the future, whether as a result of climate change or NBC bringing back Will and Grace. We’re going to be reading more about them, so I for one would like to request some more original reporting on them. Hurricane clichés are endless. Hurricanes always “batter” or “slam” or "smack" some place. Sometimes they “hit,” sometimes they “brush.”
Wouldn’t you like to read “Hurricane Moe Set to Bitch-Slap the Caribbean,” at least once?
I know I would.