Artist's rendering of a human from another planet. Looks like this one died in a flash flood, but the rest of them are our ancestors. People have assured me that my Facebook account is a complete waste of time, but without it I would never have discovered this link to a website that proposes that humans are aliens, and were brought to earth hundreds of thousands of years ago, crossbred with Neanderthals to form modern humans, and that is why we suck.
This theory is the intellectual property of Doctor Ellis Silver, who reasons like someone who earned his advanced degree when a piñata got whacked and a bunch of PhD’s fell out.
The proposal neatly splits the difference between the two most popular theories on the origin of our species, which are us evolving from specks floating in the ocean, or half of us being formed from dirt and the other half from a rib by a divine being, who then started killing us shortly afterwards.
That is about all it has going for it, though. As evidence that we hail from Alpha Centauri, Silver points out that most of us wouldn’t survive if we were forced to live in the jungle, where we allegedly evolved. Well, duh. Many of us wouldn’t survive if we were forced to live without our cell phones. That doesn’t mean there aren’t some people out there who still live in the jungle, and will blow a poison dart into your hiney if you try to talk them out of it.
Ellis also feels that the fact that people are subject to all kinds of illnesses is evidence that they come from a planet where all the local germs weren’t trying to kill them. Doc, it’s not just people who get sick. My Chihuahua had a $400 tummy ache last year. The vet did not once suggest that the reason my dog was hucking chow all over the carpeting was that he came from another planet.
Which brings us to the one of the greatest of all the unanswered questions—Why do dogs never throw up on tiled floors? It’s always the rug, when puppy is puking.
As long as I am pointlessly digressing, I might as well announce that I have also discovered another website that claims scientists are trying to clone Jesus Christ from cells He left behind on the Shroud of Turin. Or, rather, that they have already done this. The problem of Jesus’s multi-millennium reluctance to return has now been solved by science. According to this web page, the cells were obtained, mated with an unfertilized human egg and implanted in one lucky virgin, with labor scheduled to be induced on December 25th, 2015.
So, Jesus has returned, but He’s not quite two as of this writing. He’s already walking.
But probably not on water.
This theory is the intellectual property of Doctor Ellis Silver, who reasons like someone who earned his advanced degree when a piñata got whacked and a bunch of PhD’s fell out.
The proposal neatly splits the difference between the two most popular theories on the origin of our species, which are us evolving from specks floating in the ocean, or half of us being formed from dirt and the other half from a rib by a divine being, who then started killing us shortly afterwards.
That is about all it has going for it, though. As evidence that we hail from Alpha Centauri, Silver points out that most of us wouldn’t survive if we were forced to live in the jungle, where we allegedly evolved. Well, duh. Many of us wouldn’t survive if we were forced to live without our cell phones. That doesn’t mean there aren’t some people out there who still live in the jungle, and will blow a poison dart into your hiney if you try to talk them out of it.
Ellis also feels that the fact that people are subject to all kinds of illnesses is evidence that they come from a planet where all the local germs weren’t trying to kill them. Doc, it’s not just people who get sick. My Chihuahua had a $400 tummy ache last year. The vet did not once suggest that the reason my dog was hucking chow all over the carpeting was that he came from another planet.
Which brings us to the one of the greatest of all the unanswered questions—Why do dogs never throw up on tiled floors? It’s always the rug, when puppy is puking.
As long as I am pointlessly digressing, I might as well announce that I have also discovered another website that claims scientists are trying to clone Jesus Christ from cells He left behind on the Shroud of Turin. Or, rather, that they have already done this. The problem of Jesus’s multi-millennium reluctance to return has now been solved by science. According to this web page, the cells were obtained, mated with an unfertilized human egg and implanted in one lucky virgin, with labor scheduled to be induced on December 25th, 2015.
So, Jesus has returned, but He’s not quite two as of this writing. He’s already walking.
But probably not on water.
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