Here to poop on Trump's hair? Wrong. James Goll, who calls himself a Christian prophet, which he most certainly is in the sense that he gets paid to prophesy, had a free revelation for us all the other day, which is that the Holy Spirit wants Trump to be re-elected.
“So what?” I hear you saying. “Evangelical leaders are telling us that God wants Trump to be re-elected nearly as often as they tell us to send them money. What’s so special about Goll?
It’s because the Holy Spirit speaks to him, you sourpuss unbelievers. The Spirit! Other members of the Trinity are much more regular about putting in appearances. God appeared to Moses and started the whole thing off. Jesus is the Kanye West of Heaven, showing up regularly in venues ranging from Oral Robert’s visions to toast, bagels and clouds, so much so that you’re sick of looking at him. Mother Mary, although not technically a member of the Trinity, regularly slips out of one of her weeping statues and materializes before a bunch of illiterate peasant children in some foreign land and drones on in Latin while they wet their pants.
But the Spirit hardly ever shows at all. Until now. Goll says:
“I believe it is the will of the Lord for President Trump to be reelected for a long-term reason if Jesus tarries any at all…It is to turn this nation for lineage and legacy unto—this was the exact phrase the Holy Spirit gave me—to true constitutional conservatism. So, I believe it’s God’s will for him to be reelected.”
Now, tarrying is what Jesus does best, apart from showing up in your bag of Funyuns. The big Apocalypse show, where He appears in the sky and starts judging all of us, has been postponed every single day since He first scheduled it. The chance of it happening between now and Election Day is pretty remote. That’s why the Holy Spirit is urging you to vote Trump.
Now, the Spirit (who was called, in my Catholic childhood, the Holy Ghost and who possibly changed His name to avoid being confused with Casper, the Friendly Ghost, who was also popular at the time) just doesn’t do revelations. For that reason, many people, when they think of Him at all, think He’s a second-track Supreme Being, a divine journeyman who keeps Heaven’s toilets flushing while God and Jesus are busting out new galaxies and in general doing important cosmic shit.
But Goll’s experience with Him reveals a whole new side to the Holy Ghost--He is a constitutional scholar. He is the law school brains of the Trinity, the Brett Kavanaugh of Heaven!
Now we know--The Holy Ghost is where the other members of the Big Three go when they need help preserving America as a Christian nation. Whether it’s keeping those children of rape and incest coming, putting crosses in classrooms, or protecting our right to cram together in churches and give each other the plague, the Holy Ghost makes sure the Constitution is strong on our side.
Praise be!
“So what?” I hear you saying. “Evangelical leaders are telling us that God wants Trump to be re-elected nearly as often as they tell us to send them money. What’s so special about Goll?
It’s because the Holy Spirit speaks to him, you sourpuss unbelievers. The Spirit! Other members of the Trinity are much more regular about putting in appearances. God appeared to Moses and started the whole thing off. Jesus is the Kanye West of Heaven, showing up regularly in venues ranging from Oral Robert’s visions to toast, bagels and clouds, so much so that you’re sick of looking at him. Mother Mary, although not technically a member of the Trinity, regularly slips out of one of her weeping statues and materializes before a bunch of illiterate peasant children in some foreign land and drones on in Latin while they wet their pants.
But the Spirit hardly ever shows at all. Until now. Goll says:
“I believe it is the will of the Lord for President Trump to be reelected for a long-term reason if Jesus tarries any at all…It is to turn this nation for lineage and legacy unto—this was the exact phrase the Holy Spirit gave me—to true constitutional conservatism. So, I believe it’s God’s will for him to be reelected.”
Now, tarrying is what Jesus does best, apart from showing up in your bag of Funyuns. The big Apocalypse show, where He appears in the sky and starts judging all of us, has been postponed every single day since He first scheduled it. The chance of it happening between now and Election Day is pretty remote. That’s why the Holy Spirit is urging you to vote Trump.
Now, the Spirit (who was called, in my Catholic childhood, the Holy Ghost and who possibly changed His name to avoid being confused with Casper, the Friendly Ghost, who was also popular at the time) just doesn’t do revelations. For that reason, many people, when they think of Him at all, think He’s a second-track Supreme Being, a divine journeyman who keeps Heaven’s toilets flushing while God and Jesus are busting out new galaxies and in general doing important cosmic shit.
But Goll’s experience with Him reveals a whole new side to the Holy Ghost--He is a constitutional scholar. He is the law school brains of the Trinity, the Brett Kavanaugh of Heaven!
Now we know--The Holy Ghost is where the other members of the Big Three go when they need help preserving America as a Christian nation. Whether it’s keeping those children of rape and incest coming, putting crosses in classrooms, or protecting our right to cram together in churches and give each other the plague, the Holy Ghost makes sure the Constitution is strong on our side.
Praise be!
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