Last weekend I was suffering from a painful elbow inflammation and took a couple of pain-killers at my Significant Other's request, because I apparently was being pretty bitchy about it. Between that and my usual weekend regimen of pale ale, I was too weak to insist otherwise when she started watching one of the entertainment channels. A typical Hollywood gush-fest was on, where the actors in some soon-to-be-released movie go endlessly on about how the movie opening in theaters will rank, in the important events of human history, somewhere between the invention of agriculture and the second coming of Christ, and how wonderful working with their co-stars was. I can't be entirely sure this is a completely accurate transcript of what they were saying, since I woke up next morning with my head jammed in between the sofa cushions and my pants on the coffee table, but this is as near as I can remember it:
(A talk show set. Three male MOVIE STARS are discussing their work on their latest blockbuster project, Jurassic Snack, a story of a reality TV cooking show set in a park full of resuscitated dinosaurs)
1st Movie Star: (Speaking of a fellow actor not on the show) The scene where he realizes the mother velociraptor is watching through the kitchen window while he's making ouefs en cocotte out of her stolen eggs...I mean he expressed more insouciance there with one eyebrow than most actors can do with their whole body. The man's a genius.
2nd Movie Star: It's a privilege to work with the guy.
3rd Movie Star: And in person, he's so humble. But inspiring. I mean, he's got that quality of humble inspiration that makes the rest of us humble. And inspired.
1st Movie Star: He's always the complete professional. The guy knows his lines for every scene. And he knows your lines, too. Which comes in handy for me sometimes, I admit (Laughs self-deprecatingly). Working with him was one of the greatest experiences of my life. (The others nod).
2nd Movie Star. I'd go further than that. I would say it was the culmination of my career.
3rd Movie Star. I agree. I would compare it to winning my Academy Award.
1st Movie Star: I mean, if I had a chance to make another movie with the guy, I'd leap at it. You wouldn't even have to pay me. I'd work for free. (The other two look at the 1st Movie Star askance, aware that he is raising the stakes)
2nd Movie Star: Well, me too.
3rd Movie Star: Not only would I work for free with him anytime, I would give him my money if he was broke.
2nd Movie Star: (Can't help himself) You're kidding.
1st Movie Star: Yeah. Besides, when is he ever going to be broke? Nobody works more than him.
3rd Movie Star: Maybe he gets into a poker game with Donald Trump, or something. Anyway, if he needed it, he could have my money.
1st Movie Star: All of it?
3rd Movie Star: Yup.
2nd Movie Star: Come to think of it, I guess he could have my money, too. I worship the guy that much. (They both look smugly at the 1st Movie Star) How about you?
1st Movie Star: (Aware the other two are ganging up on him.) I would, I would, uh,..
3rd Movie Star: (Jeering) Yeah, what? What would you do, Mr. Generous? If the guy really fell on hard times? Let him live in your pool shed?
1st Movie Star: (Blurting it out) I would rub his penis! (The other Movie Stars stare gape-mouthed. Defensively) I mean, I'm hetero, but if he really needed me to, I'd rub it.
3rd Movie Star: Wow.
2nd Movie Star: (Smoothly) I agree. I never really thought of it before, but sure. If the guy had to have it to keep going, you'd be selfish not to. Yeah, I'm on board. (To 1st Movie Star) I'd even rub it while you were rubbing it. I mean, if that's what it took. The guy's a god. Sexuality doesn't even enter into it.
3rd Movie Star: You guys are...
2nd Movie Star: Properly appreciative of one of the great talents of our time, is what I think you were going to say.
1st Movie Star: (Snidely) Not just some poser.
3rd Movie Star: Oh yeah? Well, let me tell you guys something. When he was having that affair with my last wife, I came home one night after I had been out partying pretty seriously. I took off my clothes and crawled into bed in the dark because I didn't want to disturb her. I just reached over to squeeze my wife's hand before I passed out and guess what she had in it!
2nd Movie Star: Oh, God.
3rd Movie Star: SO I ACTUALLY HAVE RUBBED HIS PENIS!
1st Movie Star: That is so dope, dude.
2nd Movie Star: You win, man, you win.
(Cut to commercial)
(A talk show set. Three male MOVIE STARS are discussing their work on their latest blockbuster project, Jurassic Snack, a story of a reality TV cooking show set in a park full of resuscitated dinosaurs)
1st Movie Star: (Speaking of a fellow actor not on the show) The scene where he realizes the mother velociraptor is watching through the kitchen window while he's making ouefs en cocotte out of her stolen eggs...I mean he expressed more insouciance there with one eyebrow than most actors can do with their whole body. The man's a genius.
2nd Movie Star: It's a privilege to work with the guy.
3rd Movie Star: And in person, he's so humble. But inspiring. I mean, he's got that quality of humble inspiration that makes the rest of us humble. And inspired.
1st Movie Star: He's always the complete professional. The guy knows his lines for every scene. And he knows your lines, too. Which comes in handy for me sometimes, I admit (Laughs self-deprecatingly). Working with him was one of the greatest experiences of my life. (The others nod).
2nd Movie Star. I'd go further than that. I would say it was the culmination of my career.
3rd Movie Star. I agree. I would compare it to winning my Academy Award.
1st Movie Star: I mean, if I had a chance to make another movie with the guy, I'd leap at it. You wouldn't even have to pay me. I'd work for free. (The other two look at the 1st Movie Star askance, aware that he is raising the stakes)
2nd Movie Star: Well, me too.
3rd Movie Star: Not only would I work for free with him anytime, I would give him my money if he was broke.
2nd Movie Star: (Can't help himself) You're kidding.
1st Movie Star: Yeah. Besides, when is he ever going to be broke? Nobody works more than him.
3rd Movie Star: Maybe he gets into a poker game with Donald Trump, or something. Anyway, if he needed it, he could have my money.
1st Movie Star: All of it?
3rd Movie Star: Yup.
2nd Movie Star: Come to think of it, I guess he could have my money, too. I worship the guy that much. (They both look smugly at the 1st Movie Star) How about you?
1st Movie Star: (Aware the other two are ganging up on him.) I would, I would, uh,..
3rd Movie Star: (Jeering) Yeah, what? What would you do, Mr. Generous? If the guy really fell on hard times? Let him live in your pool shed?
1st Movie Star: (Blurting it out) I would rub his penis! (The other Movie Stars stare gape-mouthed. Defensively) I mean, I'm hetero, but if he really needed me to, I'd rub it.
3rd Movie Star: Wow.
2nd Movie Star: (Smoothly) I agree. I never really thought of it before, but sure. If the guy had to have it to keep going, you'd be selfish not to. Yeah, I'm on board. (To 1st Movie Star) I'd even rub it while you were rubbing it. I mean, if that's what it took. The guy's a god. Sexuality doesn't even enter into it.
3rd Movie Star: You guys are...
2nd Movie Star: Properly appreciative of one of the great talents of our time, is what I think you were going to say.
1st Movie Star: (Snidely) Not just some poser.
3rd Movie Star: Oh yeah? Well, let me tell you guys something. When he was having that affair with my last wife, I came home one night after I had been out partying pretty seriously. I took off my clothes and crawled into bed in the dark because I didn't want to disturb her. I just reached over to squeeze my wife's hand before I passed out and guess what she had in it!
2nd Movie Star: Oh, God.
3rd Movie Star: SO I ACTUALLY HAVE RUBBED HIS PENIS!
1st Movie Star: That is so dope, dude.
2nd Movie Star: You win, man, you win.
(Cut to commercial)
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